Category Archives: hope

staycation (almost over!)

12 Monday Aug 2024

Posted by in health, hope, sevilla, sevilla staycation, spain

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final stretch

So this is the home stretch, the final three weeks of my Staycation, which officially began on July 8th, so eight whole weeks in total (my next tours are booked for the first week in September). Although I could ill afford taking so much time off I chose to do it because 1) I needed a break, a serious “time out” to hopefully sort out what to do next and 2) I can barely walk anymore. I had a few vague plans and ideas, I had some hope…

And well, I can’t say I didn’t end up achieving any of my goals as most of them were so vague that it would be hard to know if they were achieved or not, but I do feel a bit disappointed that not much has changed. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve really enjoyed this time off, just being able to do WHATEVER when I got up in the morning. And I’m still doing the daily workouts. But as for the rest… I dunno. I’m not even very sure about what I thought might happen, though I did hope the time out would help give me some clarity. Nope.

Anyhow, three more weeks then back to work. That is IF I can walk. There are okay days and then some really not okay days. Like today. I tried walking down to the river and back (not far) and I was almost crying from the stabbing pain in my right knee. One good thing is that I got the appointment for my MRI… September 16th! So there’s a bit of hope. I may just develop a what-the-hell approach for these last three weeks, meaning just fuck it all and stop even thinking that I need to be accomplishing or improving or changing anything. Just be. Maybe I should have been doing this all along. How’s your summer going?

feeling a bit hopeful again…

24 Monday Jun 2024

Posted by in health, hope, hospitals, knee saga, knees

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hoping

You may recall that after the disastrous episodes with the Traumatologist and the Endo, and the ongoing issues with Heartless GP (who just keeps telling me I’m fat), I was feeling pretty let down and not sure what to do next in terms of my health concerns. Then I remembered I still had one more blood test available, so I booked that a couple of weeks ago and afterwards made an appointment to see my GP again to go over the results and hopefully to also see if I could get some actual help with my fucked up knee. Made the appt online and was surprised to see that I would be seeing a different GP and a glimmer of hope started to break through.

And so I went off to see New GP today. We talked over the blood test results and my medication. I told her I am only taking the BP meds because I’d had three different doctors tell me three different things about the other meds and she kind of smirked knowingly at that. So we took them one by one. My blood pressure is still a bit high but she said it was fine to stay on the present meds for now (she wants me to check in again in December at which point she’ll also order another blood test). Re: statins (for cholesterol) and metformin (sugar) she agreed with my oncologist that neither of these were necessary as I am kind of “borderline” and in fact my cholesterol has gone down a bit since October. I told her I had been making some diet changes and taking some supplements, and she seemed to think I was making good progress but that we will check it again in six months.

Then it was on to my knee. I told her the whole story and finally said that I really didn’t want to be living on painkillers, the only treatment so far offered to me, and I wondered if it would be possible to get an MRI for my right knee. I said to her maybe then they could figure out if there is any kind of physio or other treatment I could get because so far I felt like nobody has been helping me and the pain is so bad now that I can’t even climb stairs anymore. She immediately put in a request for an MRI and said I’d get a call telling me when the appointment would be. As for treatment she said that my best bet was probably going to be surgery but first things first.

And omg I almost cried. It’s been so long since a doctor has actually listened to me that I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. And she didn’t once mention my weight. I actually brought it up when we were talking about diet and cholesterol saying that of course I know I need to lose weight and she said I could try walking a bit more and cutting down on fats when cooking (this led to a chat about my air fryer) but she said the drop in cholesterol was a positive. In contrast Heartless GP, the Endo and Trauma Doc all made it seem like being fat was the reason EVERYTHING was happening to me. Not helpful.

And so there is a plan now. And I feel so very relieved. All I needed was a little support and now that I have it I feel like I can move forward with this. Getting my knees back would certainly help with getting back to my 10,000 step walks, meanwhile will keep on with my chair yoga/pilates and yeah, am also going to start tweaking the diet a bit more. Amazing what a little hope will do.

masks are back!

09 Tuesday Jan 2024

Posted by in coronavirus, covid, hope, sevilla, spain

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masks are back

As of Wednesday this week there is a return of the national mandate requiring the use of masks in all hospitals and health centres in Spain. THANK FUCKING GOD (or what/whoever). And about time. Though of course once governments make these decisions it’s always way past the time they were actually needed. Still I guess… better late than never?

We are still not being given accurate information about recent rampant global Covid and Flu infections and deaths, let alone any recognition of Long Covid sufferers. The WHO and other such organisations started “recommending” the use of masks a few weeks ago which of course was a red flag for people who aren’t running around living their “normal lives” as if the pandemic never happened. THE WHO KNEW THEN that a huge Covid wave was coming and… oh look there it is.

From mid-December I have cut my tours to a bare minimum and would have stopped totally but, you know, financial suicide. I’ve also cancelled the two short research trips planned in January while I was “off work”. Though if there was still a mask mandate on public transport I would have considered doing them.

It was honestly killing me the last few times I had to go to various hospital appointments during the past couple of months and NOBODY had a mask on, not even cancer patients waiting for treatment in the waiting room. AND NONE OF THE DOCTORS. I mean…

Sometimes I’m a bit nostalgic for those lockdown days when it felt like, for a brief moment, we actually cared about each other. But as soon as the governments told us we were free to go back to our normal lives people doubled down on being selfish and uncaring. It was the death of empathy. Well, hopefully it was “just” the beating to a pulp of empathy and she still may recover. At least I hope so.

hope 2025

03 Wednesday Jan 2024

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hope 2025

Even though I got kicked out of the Cancer Club last month (after 15 years!) I think I still want to continue this annual message of hope from that first time in 2009 when I boldly posted my daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it, after having been diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer mid-2008 and going through three major operations, one nasty bout of chemo and being told my chances of survival weren’t very good. But I made it to January 2009 and really hoped to make it to the next. Little did I know I was about to spend most of 2009 on chemo and recovering from a recurrence. But it turned out that I was still there in January 2010! And (so far) I’m still here now and hope to be here next January 3rd too. Watch this space. ❤️

cut loose

13 Wednesday Dec 2023

Posted by in cancer, hope, hospitals, sevilla

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cut loose

After 15 1/2 years I have been cut loose, set free, given the old heave ho… and I have such mixed feelings. After my last colonoscopy I also had a blood test done for cancer markers (and other things) and today I finally had my appointment with the oncologist to find out what’s what. And basically… nuthin’. The colonoscopy was normal, blood test relatively normal, cholesterol still a bit high, but lower than last year’s test, sugar also down… and so I asked my onc “what now?”. And so he took another look over my history and said… I think you’re done! In fact it’s been 15 years to the month since my last (third) cancer op, which is how they measure these things, in spite of me going back on chemo for six months the following year. And I was like… done? What? That’s it? Not even like a cancer marker test next year??

You’re probably wondering why I wasn’t immediately delighted. Well the thing is, once you have had cancer, and especially stage 4 colon cancer you weren’t meant to recover from, you always live under its shadow. It might be gone FOR NOW but it never feels like it’s well and truly gone. And my guy totally got this, saying that he understood that it might feel like I was losing a kind of health care “safety net”, but he laid out a couple of ways to still feel taken care of.

In his report to my GP he recommends a colonoscopy every three years (normally it’s 5) and he said if I was ever in serious doubt or experiencing any severe abdominal pain that, given my history, I could ask my GP to set up an oncology appointment. Even though I said that in my experience once you’re in serious pain with cancer it’s already almost too late. He didn’t disagree but, in his opinion, it didn’t make sense to keep testing for cancer 15 years later. In fact, he said they usually stop doing regular follow up scans and testing after five years but, again, given my history, they extended it to ten. Then it all got muddled with covid, etc… but now that’s it. I’ve been booted out of the Oncology Club.

FOR NOW.  I also finally managed to arrange the follow up ultrasound on my “dodgy boob” from the last mammogram in April. It’s next week. Given that my mother died of breast cancer and my sister has it now, you know, it’s not totally unreasonable that I’m (more than) a bit concerned. Why a follow up test? What about this sudden scary blocked nipple? My onc today had a look at said nipple and said it’s probably nothing important, not unusual, he couldn’t feel a mass, etc and that follow up ecos were almost routine.

Gotta say that after all this time and with a long history of inept and/or uncaring oncologists (I only got through my cancer ordeal thanks to my fab nuclear medicine team) it’s a bit ironic that the first time I meet a genuinely nice onc it’s also time to say goodbye. Well, this was actually our second appointment. First time a year or so ago and he was all… what the heck? why are you still getting all these scans? you’re going to die from radiation before you get cancer again!… which made sense. And he actually talked to me. Just like he did today. So I mostly feel okay about being cut loose because I know there are a few clear avenues I can pursue if I need to, but it’s going to take a few days to actually process. And of course there’s still next week’s boob ultrasound… 🤞