“people gather round her and she finds it hard to stay alive”

Today I’ve taken a “day off”. And you may well wonder – a day off from friggin what?? – since I have no work, no daily routine, no nuthin that would normally create any semblance that might constitute a DAY. But the thing is, I’d been doing more or less well, sticking to my schedule and getting out there for my (almost daily) 10,000 step walks for the past (almost) two weeks. But today…?

Well, first of all I had another run-in with my crazy downstairs neighbour. When I first moved in (four years ago) she LOVED ME then soon decided to HATE ME (no idea why) and so that was weird. But since lockdown last March she decided she loved me again and things have been fine, with no longer having to try and avoid her when coming and going. Then yesterday she suddenly hated me again, accusing me of doing things I hadn’t done, leaving garbage on the doorstep, blah blah, followed by so many nasty whatsapp messages. And it made me very sad. I mean, I know it’s her problem, but dammit, I will never get used to hearing shitty things being said about me and it will never not me cry. It may sound silly, but my home is my refuge. If there is any tension anywhere in the place I live it affects me and hurts me. So, that was yesterday.

Then I woke up today. After having fallen down on my way to bed last night. I was taking Morcilla’s dish to the cupboard after her bedtime snack and then Loki got tangled up under my feet and I stepped on him (paw? tail? no idea) and he SHRIEKED and then I jumped back, holding the dish aloft in my right hand and lost my balance, crashing down heavily on my left side onto the marble floor. Holy fuck it hurt. I actually didn’t move for ages, trying to decide if any serious damage had been done. When I finally picked myself up (dish intact, cat food strewn everywhere) my left leg, elbow, shoulder, were in big time pain.

So yeah, I woke up today. With minimal damage it turned out, thank goodness, other than bruising and that feeling of vulnerability that happens when you’ve dodged a bullet. I mean, my god, I could have broken a hip or ankle, whatever. But although I was more or less okay I just lost track of everything.

So I didn’t go for my walk. And I’ve been loving those, dammit. In fact I didn’t go out at all, or even get out of my pyjamas. I feel  trapped somewhere between the hate vibes rising up from my downstairs neighbour and the “one step away from disaster” feeling from almost having had a serious accident (though this also gets projected onto Covid and Cancer, which are still looming large for me). Result? I’m a fucking mess today.

And so… I decided to cook something challenging. My therapy. So far so good. Though it’s still hard not to just cry for “no reason” now and then. In the end, this will be just another day, and tomorrow… well, that’s gonna be another one. If I’m lucky. So if you’re feeling like this too, hey, you’re good. You’re not alone. We’ll get through it. xx