Category Archives: cancer

fear

12 Friday Feb 2010

Posted by in cancer, hope, hospitals, life stuff

≈ 9 Comments

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Fear is my worst enemy.

I mean that it is the one thing I cannot seem to cope with in a way that doesn’t make me hate myself, that makes me feel like I will never “grow up”. And I was reminded of this yesterday when I had to go to the hospital to get the chemo port flushed out. A once a month ordeal. And it really shouldn’t be an ORDEAL because if I go at the right time (around 7pm) there is a very short wait and the procedure itself only takes about five minutes. But there is so much attached to walking through those hospital doors, so many awful memories of FEAR. And I stupidly let it catch me by surprise because I’d been having such a great week. Lots of positive things were happening, got things resolved with the kitteh situation, and I’d even lost a couple of kilos! Then sometime just before lunch it was like someone turned on the fear tap and I was suddenly inundated with a horrible flood of emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. Though of course they have been there all along …

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starting over

01 Monday Feb 2010

Posted by in cancer, change, diet & nutrition, health & happiness

≈ 11 Comments

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The other day I read that mister anchovy had shed himself of 50 pounds since last October, basically by following a low-cal, low-carb diet. And he inspired me to try the same. As most of you know, I’ve been whinging about being overweight for years and have started various eating/lifestyle change plans without any weight loss success. Well, I did lose about ten kilos after the emergency op, but that is hardly an ideal weight loss method. And so, for the past ten days I’ve been seriously low-carbing to see how well I could stick to it, and it turns out that it’s pretty easy to do (though I did allow myself one slice of toast yesterday).

So starting today I shall add low-cal to the low-carb plan and see how that goes. There are just so many reasons that a low-carb diet makes sense, especially for cancer survivors. And for the past month I’ve been going to the gym five days a week (doing pilates and cycling as well as yoga) so I think I’m all set up to finally do this for real. I’ve been wearing this uncomfortable “fat suit” far too long…

Wish me luck!

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azahar rising

27 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in art, cancer, friends, health & happiness, hope, love

≈ 8 Comments

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Just yesterday I was telling you how I am constantly overwhelmed by the generosity of my friends, and then this came in the mail … a paper collage made by healingmagichands. Not only is it beautiful, but I could feel the love and caring that was put into creating it and it made me feel very special indeed.

This piece has been in my mind for several weeks, but it took a long time to gel. I don’t know that I necessarily need to explain this work, but my “artist’s note” would say something about the power of will and strength overcoming shadows & ill health. The vine along the left side is sort of the continuity of life as the struggle goes on, growth does not necessarily stop and in fact, the struggle may even nurture grown. At any rate, the vine gains in strength as it rises.

I call this “azahar rising”.

Thanks so much, Ellie.

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clean

13 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in cancer, change, friends, hope, hospitals, yoga

≈ 57 Comments

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This is very true…
But a clean PET scan is the best birthday present ever!

I have to admit that I’m still processing all this. As many of you know, I was pretty tied up in knots about this latest PET scan (my fourth). Partly due to the timing … my recurrence last March happened six months after finishing chemo, and this was also six months since I finished chemo for the second time in July. And partly because for the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing some pretty bad abdominal pain. I was half-convinced the cancer was back, and started beating myself up for not doing the whole “anti-cancer” antioxidant diet, for not losing weight and getting super-fit, for not … being perfect? I dunno. I just felt I could have done better and was sure I was now going to be “punished” for not having done so (those sicko Catholic upbringings take a lot of getting over). Anyhow, I was a mess. And so, when I hadn’t heard from the hospital about my PET scan appointment last week I started pestering The Team…

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