Category Archives: hope

mephistos 2010

23 Tuesday Feb 2010

Posted by in cancer, hope, sevilla, shoes, silly

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This one is for ismarah… 😉

The other day I was complaining talking about wet feet and mentioned my small but select footwear collection, which consists of two pairs of Camper shoes and 3-4 pairs of Mephisto sandals of various ages. I’ll never forget the first pair of Mephistos I bought. They looked so comfortable (and cute!) but the price tag was more than somewhat daunting. But my friend convinced me to try them on and I knew right then and there that I was never going to take them off (well, you know what I mean). That was about ten years ago. Since then I have bought one new pair of Mephistos every spring, relegating the older ones to “second best”, “beach” and “rain” sandals.

I missed getting a pair last year because the ones I’d bought spring 2008 didn’t end up getting worn much that year due to that cancer thing that mostly kept me at home May-December … but I sure wore those 2008 babies out last year! And so, after my awful hospital day yesterday I was walking home through the shopping district after leaving Maria Paz at the bus station and spotted these guys. And I knew. These are going to me my 2010 Mephistos. The black ones.

Right after I score a few more classes and my first tapas tour…

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fear

12 Friday Feb 2010

Posted by in cancer, hope, hospitals, life stuff

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Fear is my worst enemy.

I mean that it is the one thing I cannot seem to cope with in a way that doesn’t make me hate myself, that makes me feel like I will never “grow up”. And I was reminded of this yesterday when I had to go to the hospital to get the chemo port flushed out. A once a month ordeal. And it really shouldn’t be an ORDEAL because if I go at the right time (around 7pm) there is a very short wait and the procedure itself only takes about five minutes. But there is so much attached to walking through those hospital doors, so many awful memories of FEAR. And I stupidly let it catch me by surprise because I’d been having such a great week. Lots of positive things were happening, got things resolved with the kitteh situation, and I’d even lost a couple of kilos! Then sometime just before lunch it was like someone turned on the fear tap and I was suddenly inundated with a horrible flood of emotions that seemingly came out of nowhere. Though of course they have been there all along …

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azahar rising

27 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in art, cancer, friends, health & happiness, hope, love

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Just yesterday I was telling you how I am constantly overwhelmed by the generosity of my friends, and then this came in the mail … a paper collage made by healingmagichands. Not only is it beautiful, but I could feel the love and caring that was put into creating it and it made me feel very special indeed.

This piece has been in my mind for several weeks, but it took a long time to gel. I don’t know that I necessarily need to explain this work, but my “artist’s note” would say something about the power of will and strength overcoming shadows & ill health. The vine along the left side is sort of the continuity of life as the struggle goes on, growth does not necessarily stop and in fact, the struggle may even nurture grown. At any rate, the vine gains in strength as it rises.

I call this “azahar rising”.

Thanks so much, Ellie.

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25 meals

17 Sunday Jan 2010

Posted by in change, food & drink, friends, home, hope

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It came as a shock when Nog & I realised it was time to do our monthly “big shop” at the supermarket the other day … and then also realised that there wasn’t enough money! Nog has lost some students over the past couple of months, and I have not yet been able to rebuild my student client base since starting back to work – I only have 2 classes a week. In the end I had to use a credit card I keep for emergencies only (my other one is maxed) and we were able to stock up for the next while or so. And it got me thinking it would be better to stockpile some meals, also using what had been in the freezer … so two days and many hours spent slaving over a hot stove later, the result was about 25 single serving meals. How cool is that?

Yeah, I know. I should have used the gift donations over Christmas for more practical purposes, but as they were given for the explicite purpose of going out for tapas (and I also wanted to get more photos for Sevilla Tapas) that is what I did.

Anyhow, check it out. Clockwise from upper-left: spicy chicken burrito sauce, bolognese sauce, pork & veg stew, pork & spinach garam masala, and chorizo & prawn risotto. Of course, by the time all this was made neither of us felt like eating it, so last night I made some beer-battered prawns and chips with the left-overs …

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clean

13 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by in cancer, change, friends, hope, hospitals, yoga

≈ 57 Comments

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This is very true…
But a clean PET scan is the best birthday present ever!

I have to admit that I’m still processing all this. As many of you know, I was pretty tied up in knots about this latest PET scan (my fourth). Partly due to the timing … my recurrence last March happened six months after finishing chemo, and this was also six months since I finished chemo for the second time in July. And partly because for the past few weeks I’ve been experiencing some pretty bad abdominal pain. I was half-convinced the cancer was back, and started beating myself up for not doing the whole “anti-cancer” antioxidant diet, for not losing weight and getting super-fit, for not … being perfect? I dunno. I just felt I could have done better and was sure I was now going to be “punished” for not having done so (those sicko Catholic upbringings take a lot of getting over). Anyhow, I was a mess. And so, when I hadn’t heard from the hospital about my PET scan appointment last week I started pestering The Team…

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