Tag Archives: cancer

to have and have not

09 Wednesday May 2018

Posted by in cancer, casa azahar, chemo, health & happiness, home, sevilla

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

This has been a strange week for me. Exactly ten years ago I went to the Feria de Jerez and spent a fun day there with friends. And on the way back to get the train I saw this graffiti (Tengo Cancer – I Have Cancer) on the wall beside a bar next to the station, and something about it moved me to take a photo. There was something poignant yet hopeful yet… I dunno… about it. Whatever. I took the photo.

The very next day I doubled over in extreme pain and thus began two of the most profound years of my life. Not going to go over the whole ordeal again here – if you’re interested you can check out this link. Suffice it to say I somehow survived stage 4 colon cancer with metastasis to the liver and peritoneum, including 3 major abdominal surgeries and being on chemo twice (first 2 months, then 5 months). The chemo was diabolical, but apparently got rid of all the nasty cancer. At what cost to the rest of my body cells? Frankly, I don’t give a damn. I just don’t ever want to go back on chemo again. It was then that I (badly) photoshopped the graffiti photo thusly…

Fast forward to January 2018 and another routine PET scan. Except instead of being given the usual – everything looks fine, see you next year! – I was told there was concern about an area of inflammation that had grown significantly since the previous PET scan. This led to me having several tests done, including a colonoscopy, endoscopy and a CT scan. With a second CT coming up in June, so they can check the progress (or decline) of the “area of concern”. Worried? Well, hell yeah! Because that’s basically all I ever do. Not just about health issues. I worry about EVERYTHING. All. The. Time. It’s exhausting, but I can’t seem to help it.

Anyhoodle… getting back to my initial story. This week marks the 10th anniversary of the beginning of the whole cancer thing, which in my mind is always connected with the Feria de Jerez. And so today I had to go. Nothing morbid or weird, it was more like touching base. Because back then was when all that started, and ten years later I am still here and able to go back and enjoy my favourite feria in Spain. So I did. And it was lovely (nice feria pics coming soon – promise!).

Except this year I am not sure if I “have or have not”… tengo o no tengo. Still waiting to find out. And these days this is what is left of that poignant graffiti. Looks a bit ghostly. Like they tried to paint over it but couldn’t quite get rid of it. I’ve often wondered who this person was, and whether they got better. I sincerely hope so. Just like I hope I will continue to be okay too. So… bit of an emotional day.

 

empathy cards

28 Wednesday Mar 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, humour

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , ,

Thanks to Kate @sledpress for sending this my way. What an excellent idea. Empathy cards for serious illnesses – or what to say when you don’t know what to say – by Emily McDowell. Though of course I hope none of you will ever have to send me one, they are quite clever and right on the money. Reminded me of that list I posted here a few years ago… stupid things people say.

still in limbo…

26 Monday Feb 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals, sevilla

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

, , , ,

I’ll write something more about my fab weekend away later. As usual, it was great to come home and be welcomed by los gatos (this big lug was especially happy to have his comfy warm human lap back). Though I didn’t sleep so well because today I had my oncology appointment to get the results for the colonoscopy and CAT scan. Bottom line is that I am still in limbo for now.

The colonoscopy results were good, which I already knew because at the time I asked them if they had taken samples to be tested, and they said no because they hadn’t found anything. Phew!

But I had to wait until today for the CAT scan results. In a word, they were inconclusive. There is still that pesky area of inflammation sitting over my stomach that is obscuring any clear scan results, either the PET or CAT. The reason I am getting all these extra tests now is because the last PET scan results showed that the inflammation had grown substantially since the previous one, and I was also in a lot of pain. Though shortly after the last PET the pain suddenly disappeared.

And so, because they don’t actually know what is going on in that murky area of inflammation, I now have to have an endoscopy so they can look inside my stomach. That will happen on Thursday. AND THEN… I have to go through the hell of waiting for results until my next oncology appointment on March 19th.

I like my new oncologist. She is very clear and sympathetic, and answers all my questions. Today she said that because of this “murky area” they simply cannot say with certainty that I am in the clear. And so even if the endoscopy comes back clean, they will still want to do a follow-up CAT scan in three months. She said the only way to be 100% sure that I have no cancer is to operate, which she thinks is too aggressive an approach at this time, especially as the pain has disappeared.

After having undergone four major abdominal operations, the main suspect at the moment is post-op adhesions, when the buildup of fibrous bands of scar tissue wreaks havoc on the surrounding organs. This very same buildup often shows up as inflammation on scans, and can obscure scan results.

So here I am once again in limbo. Of course I am relieved that I wasn’t told today that they’d found cancer and then passed on a death sentence… but I am not out of the woods yet. Because although my doctor told me today it was a positive sign the pain had gone, they wouldn’t be doing these extra tests fer nuthin. So today felt like a “stay of execution”, and now I am waiting (with fingers crossed) for a full pardon. xx

good news, bad news…

25 Thursday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

, , ,

officially radioactive!

I’ve been having routine PET scans since I was first diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer (metastasis to liver) back in May 2008. At first they were every six months, but then once I became a member of the 5 Year Club they were reduced to once a year.  And every time I’ve been scared witless, fearing I’d hear the worst after my scan. I am very fortunate that my friend Isabel is the head of Nuclear Medicine at my hospital, so she always has a look at my scan while I’m there and gives me the results on the spot. She’ll call me into the PET area and say “all normal, nothing to worry about” and then send me on my way, not quite believing my good fortune.

But today after my scan Isabel called me into a private office and asked me to sit down.

And well, it’s kind of good news / bad news. The good news is that my liver is clean, no signs of anything nasty going on there. The bad (or potentially bad) news is that the “area of inflammation” that has been showing up on my PET scans since 2008 has increased dramatically. Over the years this area has been constantly shrinking, with each PET scan showing it a bit smaller and, as long as it kept shrinking, it was always considered a result of scar tissue. Today Isabel told me that it is back to the size it originally was back in 2008. And so now I will have to undergo more tests – CAT scan, ultrasound, colonoscopy – to (hopefully!) rule out cancer. In theory it could be an inflammatory infection, complications due to the adhesions, or any other number of non-cancer-related issues. Or it could be cancer. And so, Isabel has taken steps to get me an appointment with Oncology asap so they can start the extra testing.

I’m annoyed that they didn’t take me seriously at Emergency when I went there complaining about the abdominal pain back in November (exactly two months ago today). My GP also blew me off when I went to ask him about it afterwards, saying I just had gas and should take a pain killer. And even when I saw an oncologist at the beginning of January, she was totally dismissive about my complaints (you need to lose weight, I’m sure it’s just gas), and reluctantly booked my next PET scan.

The good thing is that now Isabel is setting the wheels in motion for me to get the appropriate extra testing done and, more importantly, to have me taken seriously by these other doctors. Meanwhile I am fluctuating between absolute terror and total denial. How’s your day going?

oncology visit

05 Friday Jan 2018

Posted by in cancer, hospitals

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

, ,

Ever since “Lost Saturday” I’ve been quite concerned about the abdominal pain I’ve been experiencing since the beginning of November. I thought for awhile I’d figured out the source of it, but then it shifted, and now it’s worse than ever… really, wtf?

Anyhow, I finally got to see an oncologist today to request my annual PET-TAC scan (it used to be every 6 months), and that was fine. Or as fine as things can go when you are talking to a doctor you’ve never seen in your life, and you are talking about your life… In this case the doctor put in the request, but then she said to me that this would probably be the last time I will need to have scans. Ummm… what? No more annual scans? Why not?

This is a photo I took back in 2009 to show the scars I’d been left with after the 3 slice & dice abdominal cancer ops (there was also a subsequent non-cancer related surgery in 2011, following the same scar lines). So that area of my ever-ageing body is pretty much a big mess. If there are reasons (adhesions?) that I have PAIN all the time now… why can’t anybody tell me this? It’s very frustrating. All I can do now is wait for the next PET-TAC.