Category Archives: cancer

scanxiety!

22 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in cancer, chemo, hope, hospitals

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It’s that time again … got a call from the hospital yesterday (while I was fretting about having to make this terrible decision) and was told my next PET scan would be on Monday at 8am. And then the scanxiety set in. I haven’t had it this bad since last year at this time. In fact it will be almost exactly a year, just one day off. Though of course I had my last PET in January.

I was nervous last time but, as I only had a couple of day’s notice, I didn’t have so much time to worry. This time it came as a surprise because I thought it wasn’t going to be until the end of July, and so now I suddenly have almost a whole week of sleepless nights ahead of me.

The other thing that makes it scarier this time is that since my last “all-clear” two very dear friends have had inoperable recurrences and have been given chemo as a last resort, and I worry that I’m next. As usual I am kicking myself for not having made all the healthy lifestyle changes I should have, as if daring the cancer to come back – how stupid was that? But of course there’s nothing I can do about that now to change Monday’s outcome.

I have so much planned for the summer now that work is finally picking up, and I so want to be able to do it all. In fact, I have a tapas tour on Monday evening. Wonder how I’ll manage to do that if I end up getting bad news. BUT… all of this is scariest in the wee hours as I lie awake and turn it all over and over again in my mind. Right now the sun is shining and there’s lots to do.

slippery slope

21 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in cancer, death & dying, life stuff, rants

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Okay, some days are better than others, but I have to say that most of the time these days it feels like I’m on a very slippery slope indeed.

After getting kicked out of my home of 16 years and then landing on my feet in the lovely new place I live in now, I cannot ignore this one very important fact … I CANNOT AFFORD THIS PLACE ON MY OWN.

Most of you probably know that I’ve had a flatmate over the past seven years who I like to think of as my friend, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and fed up. Would a friend just sit on their butt and not do anything at all after I continually set them up with classes and work and projects that would help him make make a living?? Even when he is no longer paying his share of things, which puts way more stress on me. Even after I got cancer and wasn’t able to work. I mean seriously … wtf? Now I’m supposed to support this person financially when I am scrambling daily to make ends meet, and all the while frantic that the next PET scan might end up with me back on chemo – and then what??

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it’s a conspiracy!

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in cancer, cats, holidays, hospitals, Malaga, summer, travel, trips

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At first I thought it was a simple game of “where’s Loki?” that the two boys were enjoying when I took this photo. But recent events have led me to believe that the cats – who are gods, as we all know – are conspiring against me.

I’d thought that having Jessica here at the beginning of July to look after the boys – and especially Azar – was a sign that I should plan a few days away in Málaga before the next PET scan. And if Nog could get away for the weekend this would also provide Jessica & Thomas with a nice possibility for a romantic few days at casa az, enjoying the space and the terraza…

The first problemita occurred when Manolo said he wouldn’t know if his apartment would be available until about two weeks before that weekend. But I remained hopeful that it would work out. So I planned to leave just after my next oncology appointment, the day after Jessica got back (July 6th), which would have given me a few fab days in Málaga on my own before Nog came to join me. And all the while I would know that the cats were in very good hands.

Well THEN I got a booking request for a Sevilla Tapas Tour for July 7th – for five people! – and just couldn’t turn down that kind of money. But then I thought – hey – depending on Jessica’s schedule I could go for the weekend with Nog, then he could come back the following Monday (July 11th) to look after the cats, while I stayed on to enjoy my pre-scan holiday for a few more days.

Nope. Today I got a notice in the mail saying my appointment to go over all the heart tests that I had done after the scary four-hour tachycardia incident which ended up with me wearing a holter was booked for Monday, July 11th. Well Hell!

I just wonder how he does it. Is it the ears? In any case, it seems clear to me that Azar is moving heaven and earth to make sure I don’t go away this summer, and that Loki is in cahoots…

three years ago…

04 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by in cancer, change, chemo, death & dying, fitness, health & happiness, home, hope, hospitals

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May 4th 2008 was the last day I ever felt “healthy and normal”. The next morning I woke up with excrutiating abdominal pain and the rest, as they say, is history.

Three major operations and two bouts of chemo later, I am in remission and have been since September 2009, but of course the risk of recurrence is always there. This was seriously brought home to me when my friend Gaelen was recently diagnosed with new metastasis after three cancer-free years. Around the same time another friend – my power twin Jed – got sick again and is now facing a treatment-without-cure situation. It’s made it harder for me to go along in my usual state of semi-denial, which makes for a lot of sleepless nights and general emotional upheaval. But mostly I’m okay. Because, as far as I know, I’m still okay.

Anyhow, not trying to be a downer, but anniversaries are always a bit poignant in that “will it be my last??” kind of way. As I’ve said here before, perhaps if I’d made more of an effort to do all The Right Things I’d be feeling less, well, annoyed with myself right now. Every day I wake up determined to eat broccoli and forego wine and spend two hours at the gym, and then … it’s not that I can’t be bothered, but things are never simple and I’ve had lots of stress in other areas of my life and I can’t seem to get it all together at once. As if I have all the time in the world to get it right…

One thing I’ve learned these past three years is to be less judgemental about people who can’t seem to get it together. Well, except for me. Are you very hard on yourself, or are you able to just go with the flow?