Category Archives: health

panic makes a house call

05 Monday Aug 2024

Posted by in casa azahar, health, health & happiness, sevilla

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panic

Something happened today and I wasn’t sure if I would talk about it here but after telling my friend Kate (aka @sledpress) it seemed okay to also share it with you guys. Some of you know that for years (since I was about 14 actually) I’ve suffered from panic attacks/agoraphobia, no doubt a result of chronic anxiety that has been with me since childhood. Oddly or otherwise the attacks pretty much went away during and post cancer (I guess almost dying kind of knocked them out of the ballpark in terms of things I had to worry about). That is until about five years later (2016) during a trip to London when I was hit with an overwhelming panic attack while crossing Trafalgar Square. And just like that they were back.

These days they have become less frequent but they still lurk menacingly in the background. Crossing bridges can still be fraught, also sudden changes in light. But this morning I had this happen to me while sitting at my desk and it especially scared the fuck out of me because, well, I don’t get panic attacks at home! This is my safe place. Or it’s supposed to be and has been until now. Anyhow, suddenly I started feeling disconnected from “reality” and there was a huge surge of panic rising in my solar plexus and that old feeling like I am dissolving and have no skin anymore… absolutely terrifying. No words can actually describe it. I don’t know how I “came back” but lots of deep breathing, some distraction therapy and then doing a chair workout… and phew. The worst of it was over.

I tried telling Peter and he just looked at me like a deer caught in the headlights, though later he came out of his room and gave me a hug. What can I say, he’s not really a hugger, but it was nice that he tried. Then I told Kate on whatsapp and I felt better knowing that she would read it and understand. Later, when we were on similar “awake times” we chatted a bit and that also helped a lot.

Had it been a typical episode, crossing a bridge or just being blindsided out in the street, I would have retreated to my lovely Casa Azahar knowing that at least I am safe here. But now? There never used to be any triggers here at home and it’s well documented that the fearful anticipation of a panic attack happening again from being in a similar situation… well, it can cause them to happen again.

I need to fight this, just not sure how to go about it yet. And no, this is not exactly how I had hoped to spend the second half of my Staycation but here we are. I mean, maybe it was a one off, maybe it won’t happen again at home. But now I’ve lost my trust in my home being my safe place. My refuge. Dammit.

summer self care

03 Wednesday Jul 2024

Posted by in change, hair, health, sevilla

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self care

I never plan haircuts. I just wake up one day and realise that I REALLY need a haircut!!! Today was such a day. Then I had a look at my feet and saw the pedicure I had done in May (first professional one since 2018!) was also getting a bit shabby so what the heck. I decided to book both appointments for today since I am ON STAYCATION and both the hairdresser and the nail place are just a few doors down from my house. Easy!

I remember thinking back in 2018 that the pedis were going to become a regular thing, but then this and that happened, then Covid… but then in May I couldn’t deny that my feet were in pretty bad shape. So I tried the place in my street because I saw the girls were wearing masks (surgical, but better than nothing). That poor woman! The workout she had trying to get my feet even half-way back to OK. It was easier on her this time – better results too – and I also brought my own Essie polish (appropriately named TOO TOO HOT) because last time I ended up with a too-dark red. Isn’t this interesting?

Then I popped two doors down to the hairdresser. They know me by now. Just spritz my hair, cut off “dos dedos” with a “longer at the front” incline, and then I’m outta there, wet hair and all. I get charged for a full “cut & styling” but that’s fine. All I want is my hair cut.

So now I’m all set for summer. Shorter hair, perfect red happy toes, and really just a good feeling about having done this. Making time for a bit of self care is important, even if you think you can’t afford it. Oh, and I also did a full-on (chair) cardio & strength workout before I went out. Yay me!

staycation 2024

27 Thursday Jun 2024

Posted by in health, holidays, home

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staycation 24

Am considering not doing any tapas tours in July (August is already booked off – way too hot!). I can’t actually afford to do this but as I’m also not going on holiday my (somewhat warped) logic is that the money I’m not spending on a holiday I also can’t afford might help pay for a two-month staycation.

Well almost two months. I have a couple of tours booked early July, but I’ve been thinking… what if I had (almost) two months to just focus on other things? I’ve been dithering about The Next Step(s) ever since I realised I needed to diversify and not just rely on the tapas tours for income, but it feels like I’ve been pivoting so long I’m really just going around in circles. So maybe a reboot would help?

I’ve never been a “go on holidays” type of person anyhow, short getaways are more my style. Mostly due to finances but also because I don’t really enjoy being away from home for a long time. I love where I live and enjoy my day to day life. But I’ve also never had an extended period of time to just… BE (well other than when sick with cancer and during covid lockdown, which don’t really count).

I mean, I’d still keep up with my websites, visit tapas bars, and visit all you guys here. I just think it would be nice to feel like I didn’t have to do something, or be somewhere, on a schedule. Feeling more relaxed just thinking about it. What are you doing this summer?

feeling a bit hopeful again…

24 Monday Jun 2024

Posted by in health, hope, hospitals, knee saga, knees

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hoping

You may recall that after the disastrous episodes with the Traumatologist and the Endo, and the ongoing issues with Heartless GP (who just keeps telling me I’m fat), I was feeling pretty let down and not sure what to do next in terms of my health concerns. Then I remembered I still had one more blood test available, so I booked that a couple of weeks ago and afterwards made an appointment to see my GP again to go over the results and hopefully to also see if I could get some actual help with my fucked up knee. Made the appt online and was surprised to see that I would be seeing a different GP and a glimmer of hope started to break through.

And so I went off to see New GP today. We talked over the blood test results and my medication. I told her I am only taking the BP meds because I’d had three different doctors tell me three different things about the other meds and she kind of smirked knowingly at that. So we took them one by one. My blood pressure is still a bit high but she said it was fine to stay on the present meds for now (she wants me to check in again in December at which point she’ll also order another blood test). Re: statins (for cholesterol) and metformin (sugar) she agreed with my oncologist that neither of these were necessary as I am kind of “borderline” and in fact my cholesterol has gone down a bit since October. I told her I had been making some diet changes and taking some supplements, and she seemed to think I was making good progress but that we will check it again in six months.

Then it was on to my knee. I told her the whole story and finally said that I really didn’t want to be living on painkillers, the only treatment so far offered to me, and I wondered if it would be possible to get an MRI for my right knee. I said to her maybe then they could figure out if there is any kind of physio or other treatment I could get because so far I felt like nobody has been helping me and the pain is so bad now that I can’t even climb stairs anymore. She immediately put in a request for an MRI and said I’d get a call telling me when the appointment would be. As for treatment she said that my best bet was probably going to be surgery but first things first.

And omg I almost cried. It’s been so long since a doctor has actually listened to me that I almost couldn’t believe it was happening. And she didn’t once mention my weight. I actually brought it up when we were talking about diet and cholesterol saying that of course I know I need to lose weight and she said I could try walking a bit more and cutting down on fats when cooking (this led to a chat about my air fryer) but she said the drop in cholesterol was a positive. In contrast Heartless GP, the Endo and Trauma Doc all made it seem like being fat was the reason EVERYTHING was happening to me. Not helpful.

And so there is a plan now. And I feel so very relieved. All I needed was a little support and now that I have it I feel like I can move forward with this. Getting my knees back would certainly help with getting back to my 10,000 step walks, meanwhile will keep on with my chair yoga/pilates and yeah, am also going to start tweaking the diet a bit more. Amazing what a little hope will do.

churros o’clock

11 Tuesday Jun 2024

Posted by in health, sevilla

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churros oclock

I almost never eat churros. In fact I usually only have them when I am in Jerez and can go to Manuel’s churrería in the square in front of the central market… his family have been making light crispy churros in that same spot for 3 generations. But today it was get-up-way-too-fucking-early-after-not-having-slept-in-order-to-get-blood-work-done day. Ufff.

So there I was, up way to early, feeling like crap, knees killing me and on my way to the health centre. Peter came with me as the plan was to stop off somewhere for a nice breakfast on the way home. Things at the centre were quite backed up and I didn’t get in for my turn until about 40 minutes after my appointment time. On the plus side the nurse was fantastic. I held out my arm and said “good luck!” (they can NEVER find my veins) and she just laughed, pulled up her sleeve and said “hey, I’m the same!”. In the end she got it in one poke and I was out of there. But of course it was now peak breakfast time (10.00 am).

I knew exactly what I wanted. I could almost taste it, feel the textures in my mouth… a soft toasted mollete with olive oil, tomato and jamón Ibérico. At first we thought about going to a place that does just that, but then I foolishly said “let’s look for somewhere closer to home” (this place was a bit further away and… KNEES). And thus began the long and painful trek home peeking into possible bars along the way. There was nothing. Either the toast looked like crap or (the good ones) were packed full, some even with a queue. In the end I did get my wish, in a way, stopping in at Doña Carmen, a mere two minutes from my house. At that point it had to be churros because I just didn’t care anymore. And they were fine, but not as good as Manuel’s. Anyhow, doctor’s appointment coming up soon to check test results and see if there is anything at all they can do for my knees. Some hopeful news (???) is that I have been assigned a new GP. Fingers crossed.