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Category Archives: hope

wonder twins

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, change, chemo, death & dying, friends, hope, hospitals

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

cancer, friends


Sometimes I think about the things that have happened over the past two years,which never would have happened if I hadn’t got cancer. And amongst all the nightmarish crap there is actually quite a lot of good stuff too. One of the best things has been meeting and getting to know my friends Gaelen and Jed, both of whom I met on the Colon Club forum. There are a lot of very good people on that forum, but somehow I’ve always felt especially connected to these two guys in a way that’s difficult to explain. I’ve also had many parallel experiences with both, and most recently with Jed…

You probably remember the seriously bad scanxiety I had before my last PET scan a couple of weeks ago, feeling almost certain that the other shoe was about to drop and I was going to end up back on chemo this summer. Or worse – that they would find more tumours and chemo would no longer be an option. Well, at that same time Jed was very seriously looking at that latter situation after having had a scary PET scan result a few months earlier. His follow-up PET was scheduled for a few days after mine but he then had to wait another ten days to get his results. Which was yesterday.

Jed’s been in Taiwan with his family this past year, teaching and writing, which means we are in way different time zones. And so when I woke up yesterday morning I knew that he would have already seen his doctor. First thing I did was grab the iPhone and check my emails, and there it was. A quick report from Jed saying those magic words – nothing visible on the scan – and I almost cried from relief and happiness, also knowing how relieved and happy he must be feeling. As he said, “we have both had our doctors convinced we were beyond hope before climbing back from the brink”, and I think it was over on the forum that he first made the remark about us activating our wonder twin powers, which made me laugh. But hey – it worked!

So, well done my wonder twin.
Together we are invincible!

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paying it forward…

04 Sunday Jul 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, friends, hope, hospitals

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

cancer, friends

Most of you know how rich I have been in gifts these past couple of years since I got sick. Gifts of all sorts – friendship, money, presents, visits, and especially patience & understanding – and of course a lot of this sort of generosity usually can’t be paid back in kind. But you can pay it forward.

I got a chance to do this the other day. After my wild night out on Thursday, Nog & I were coming home around 1.30 in the morning and I was surprised to see an old friend, Pepe, standing outside Bar Campanario. He used to own the place, but for years now it’s been run by my friend Maria Paz, with some help from her sister Elena. And suddenly there was everyone out in the street at this strange hour. I hadn’t seen Pepe in a couple of years and when I asked how he was doing it was a shock to hear that he’d just found out he has cancer…

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permission to be happy

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, change, diet & nutrition, friends, health & happiness, home, hope

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

cancer, happiness

Awhile ago on a particularly pleasant day I said to Nog, “I feel so happy that it scares me” … and we both laughed. Since then, and especially since my good news on Monday, I just can’t shake this happy feeling. I think it started when I found out I had to wait another two weeks until the PET scan and I decided to just enjoy the hell out of those two weeks and treat them as a “holiday from cancer”. In other words, I gave myself permission to be happy. And well, okay, I got pretty nervous the weekend before the scan, but now that I know I have at least six months before I have to face that particular dragon again, I am going ahead with extending this cancer holiday season until then. And damn it feels good. No, not suddenly like everything is all sunshine and butterflies, but a huge weight has been lifted and I feel like I can really breathe again. Like I can finally be myself.

Turns out I’m actually quite nice once you get to know me.  🙂

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lunch at manolo’s

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, death & dying, food & drink, health & happiness, hope, hospitals, restaurants, sevilla

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

cancer, PET scans

Manolo Leon’s restaurant/bar is about half-way between the hospital and my place. In fact, it’s right across the street from where Susan (aka Pipocas) used to live. And some of you may recall that it was where I went for the post prognosis party back in October 2008, when I was – mistakenly! – told that my cancer was untreatable and I had maybe a year to live. On that occasion Nog, Pablo and I splashed out on a gorgeously decadent lunch and later on met Susan for cocktails at a smart little bar across the street. So it seemed appropriate to stop off there on the way home from receiving my GOOD NEWS yesterday …
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scanxiety

28 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by azahar in cancer, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

cancer, PET scans

After ALL THAT WAITING it’s finally time for the next PET scan today. My appointment is for 8am, which is very good as it means I will be the first one in. Had one 3pm appointment last year and ended up having to wait two hours just to be put in the comfy chair to have the FDG injected (after that it’s about a 3-4 hour process). Also, it’s crap waiting all day at home to go for the test – much better to just get up and go in the morning and look forward to having that first coffee after the first scan has been done (they usually put me through twice, though last time it was three times).

I’ve had pretty bad scanxiety this time. I really don’t think I could cope with having to go on chemo again, though of course that’s not even the worst case scenario. I worry they might find tumours in untreatable places … the walking time bomb feeling  just doesn’t go away. And of course it gets worse as it gets closer to scan time. So I’ve pretty much been a nervous wreck this past month, though I’ve mostly been able to enjoy myself, especially these past couple of weeks. Until yesterday.

Gaelen, I know that your strong thoughts will be there with me.
Jed, make sure those wonder twin powers are fully activated, okay?

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