23 Monday Nov 2009
Posted in animals & pets, blogging, books & writing, cancer, cats, change, computers, diet & nutrition, fitness, food & drink, friends, health & happiness, holidays, home, life stuff, music, pilates, tapas, travel, trips, work, yoga
22 Sunday Nov 2009
Posted in animals & pets, life stuff, love
Sunny was such an endearing and trusting soul who made loving easy. And loving has never been something that came easy for me. It always felt scary, and I was always looking for the danger signs that would show me (usually too late) that the person I’d chosen to love not only didn’t love me back but also wanted to hurt me. This was one of the first things I ever learned, beginning with my parents, and has unfortunately been – with very few exceptions – the rule. So yeah, I have trust issues.
Sunny had no such issues. He was born almost straight into my hands sometime between 10.00-11.00 on the morning of August 5, 1993. Well, I gave Lua about an hour to get the newborns cleaned up and fed, then I moved them to a clean duvet and commenced cuddling kittens. So I know that from Sunny’s first hour he felt he was safe and loved. Since I couldn’t tell the kittens apart at first I put Sunny’s birthtime at 10.30 – halfway through the whole birthing process – and curiously, that was also the time that he died. At 10.30 last Wednesday he took his last breath. So I was there with him at his birth and also at his death – and during the sixteen years, three months and twelve days in between I did everything I could to make sure he always felt safe and well-loved. And a magical thing happened. I discovered for the first time in my life that I was actually capable of giving that sort of flat-out, no holds barred unconditional love that I’d only ever heard tell of. And it felt good, like I was being the person I had always wanted to be. Someone with a fearless heart.
And I owe all that to Sunny. He brought out the best in me just by being himself. Because of him I discovered all the love that had been trapped deep inside me and, because of his absolute trust in me, he made it feel safe to love him back. And that love was eventually extended to my other two cats … and the occasional human. Because of Sunny I had finally learned how to love.
I made Sunny a promise as he lay dying in my arms – that I wouldn’t let all that love die. That I would never “let him go” and that I would keep trying to pass on some of the love & trust he so willingly gave to me. Because as long as I can still be the person who loves Sunny, I know that this is someone I can feel proud of being.
Luckily Sunny’s little protégé is still here to help me…
13 Friday Nov 2009
Posted in books & writing, life stuff
In 2008 I made a “What I’ve Read” page and by the end of the year it turned out that I’d read about a book a week. So I started a new page for 2009 and was shocked to notice that by February I’d only managed to finish two books. I’d started several, but somehow kept putting them aside, which isn’t like me at all. In part I blame getting an iPhone for Christmas because my main reading time is in bed before I go to sleep, and I found myself checking email, twitter and reading blogs in bed half the time. But I think it was more to do with the not-being-able-to-focus thing (plus a few duds for book choices). It’s as if my attention span can only deal with snippets of information these days, or that I’m extra easily distracted. Even as I sit here writing this I’m “watching” a movie on TV and spacing out a lot. And so, a few days ago I decided to make a conscious effort to learn how to read again.
I’ve been putting aside a specific hour each day in which I do nothing but read. I’ve gone back to a novel that was sent to me awhile ago by our very own Sledpress (and written by her too!), and definitely not one of the aforementioned duds. And it’s really making a difference. I also think it will help with focusing in general, because even after hours in front of the computer I find I’ve spaced out so many times that I never get as much done as I’d planned to.
So I think that just as I put aside a couple of hours every day to go to the gym, I also need to start dividing up my days into “bite-sized” chunks that I can assimilate better.
When do you get most of your reading done?
06 Friday Nov 2009
Posted in computers, culture, friends, internet, life stuff
Well, I’ve never done anything like this before and I’m not actually looking for a “date” as such, but the other day my yoga buddy Flor convinced me to check out a “singles connecting” place she is a member of, saying that she and a friend of hers have met some interesting people there. And so, since I am in the process of taking my life back and expanding my horizons, I decided to give it a go. It feels a bit odd because, all things considered, I can’t honestly say I’m looking for anything “long term”, so I’ve checked the option that says I’m looking for friends. In fact, I doubt I could do this if I were actually looking for a long-term relationship – it would feel like too much pressure or something. This way it’s simply another way of meeting some new and interesting people, though of course I’m keeping an open mind. Because you never know….
02 Monday Nov 2009
Posted in change, dance, health & happiness, life stuff, love, music
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G’wan … you know you want to!
🙂
casa azahar 