14 Wednesday Aug 2019
WARNING: although this looks like a Jackson Pollock (it’s actually BLOOD!) the rest of this post might be a bit TMI for some of you. Nothing gross or anything, just, you know, perhaps somewhat more info than you may want to know about. So you have been warned. And it’s totally fine if you don’t want to carry on reading…
26 Friday Jul 2019
Posted in health & happiness, home
It was a normal day. I was working on this and that, spent most of the day at home thinking I would go out in the evening for a walk. Made a healthy “fridge forage” lunch that had plenty of fresh veg, some chicken and noodles. Then I relaxed a bit late afternoon, and then… OMG.
Suddenly I was hit by serious sharp abdominal pain, though not the same as what I experienced last week. This was way more intense. Thinking I could maybe “walk it off” I headed out to buy some ink for my printer, at the new shopping mall over the river. Halfway across the bridge I thought – uh oh, this isn’t normal – but then the violent cramps subsided and so I kept on. Bought my stuff, headed home, almost vomited in a public bin on the side of the street, but somehow made it back. And then it got much worse.
I crawled into bed, scared and in PAIN… it was so bad that I was actually crying out. Like all my insides were tied up in knots, like I was being turned inside out. I was so afraid I would end up back in emergency. Finally I fell asleep and when I woke up again in the middle of the night I drank some water (kept it down) and things seemed okay from then on in. But you know… WTF?
23 Thursday May 2019
Posted in cancer, friends, getaways, health & happiness
crossing bridges…
As I put together the posts for last week’s London Getaway (done after I got home) I realised I was almost enjoying the visit more in retrospect than when I was actually there. Don’t get me wrong – it was wonderful meeting up with my friends, and going to the Spanish Embassy party was an amazing experience. And Nicola’s apartment was lovely. But when I wasn’t with friends or otherwise occupied I felt quite stressed and anxious most of the time. In fact, this anxiety started about a week before I left, since I am actually terrified of flying. I was lucky that Peter agreed to stay over while I was gone to take care of the cats, as that was one less thing to worry about. But still, I was very nervous about my trip to London, even before I got there.
02 Thursday May 2019
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So I not only get NERVOUS about travelling, I also get a bit panicky about GETTING EVERYTHING DONE… to wit, got my hair cut! Though as you can see by this selfie taken in the lift at my house yesterday, still have to touch up those grey roots. Also need a pedicure, have to sort out wardrobe (thinking it won’t be so warm there) and organise all the work stuff re: tours, etc. I’ll be taking my little travel pc notebook with me, but hope to have the most important things taken care of before I leave.
I’ve been almost at the point of cancelling the whole thing a few times, thinking I’d only lose the airfare, then could focus on work, since I’m not really financially in a good place for a week abroad. Of course staying at Nicola’s is what makes this even remotely possible, but London is an expensive city and blah-blah-blah…
But the REAL reason I’m hesitating is that I’m afraid of being afraid… remembering that day in Trafalgar Square a few years ago when I was hit out of the blue with a full-blown panic attack. The first I’d had since CANCER. Because frankly, when you have cancer, panic attacks can go fuck themselves. So it not only took me by surprise, but it also took over a bit. I got scared about going out, in case it happened again, that vicious circle that almost guarantees it WILL happen again.
So far I’m still going. Updates as they happen…
13 Saturday Apr 2019
Posted in health & happiness, home
So there I was, about 2/3 through a tapas tour, when I started to feel a bit woozy. Then when we got to our final bar my stomach started cramping and I was decidedly not okay. But I soldiered on and, luckily, my group had been up since 3am to catch their flight to Sevilla, so they didn’t linger after finishing their desserts. I walked them most of the way back to their hotel as it was on my way home, feeling worse and worse with each step, but still managing to be chatty. But as soon as I got home… WHAM.
Thus started a long night of violent vomiting, diarhhea, fever, sweating and shivering. This morning I felt totally wrung out and only managed to sit up for a couple of hours before heading back to bed. Finally woke up again around 5.00 thinking I needed to eat something, and for some reason that something had to be boiled potatoes. But even that simple meal rushed right through me and now I need to lie down again. Everything is aching… my eyes, my fingers.
Sad to have missed a lovely day planned with Kalé and her mother, who just got into town, which was going to include a horse carriage ride and lunch. But somehow I don’t think I’ll be eating out again for awhile.
casa azahar 