Category Archives: death & dying

a sad day

21 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by in cancer, cats, death & dying, health & happiness, love

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Yesterday was a very sad day. I’m still taking it in a bit at a time because I can’t actually “go there” yet…

Remember I mentioned on Azar’s birthday post that I’d found a couple of small lumps on his shoulder? Well, on Thursday he scratched off a big scab along with a clump of fur and I realised that there was actually a wound there and that it was infected (bad smell!). And so yesterday I took Azar to see Yolanda. At first she said that it might be a scratch or bite from one of the other cats that got infected, but upon closer inspection she confirmed my worst fear. That it was mostly likely a tumour, and cancerous. I asked her if it might be a vaccine associated sarcoma and she said she couldn’t be sure. But I remember clear as day that she gave Azar his one and only vaccination injection just above his shoulder, the one we gave him to prevent him from catching anything potentially fatal from Loki just over two years ago.

In any case, there is nothing to be done. Yolanda said flat out that at Azar’s age and with his kidney problems, he would not likely survive an operation to remove the tumour, which she said was quite an invasive procedure and required a general anaesthetic. She said the important thing was to ensure his quality of life as long as possible until it was time to “let go of a full and happy life”.  And I stood there calm as can be asking what symptoms I should look out for. But I can’t write them here now because it will make me cry, like I did most of yesterday afternoon.

And I am trying hard not to go through the hellish “what ifs” that are racing through my brain. What if I hadn’t opted for that vaccination, what if Yolanda has given it in a different place (as is recommended these days), what if I’d taken Azar in sooner when I first noticed the lump…

Anyhow, here is a photo of my darling boy (taken five minutes ago) curled up next to me on his favourite stool with the balcony doors open, enjoying a lovely warm spring breeze and lots of cuddles and carresses from his Human. Quality of life still okey-dokey so far.

regrets? well, maybe a few…

21 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by in death & dying, health & happiness, life stuff

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If You Were Going to Die Today, What Would You Regret Most (and How Would You Change for the Better)?

I came across that Grauniad article a few weeks ago, via LifeHacker on Twitter, and have been thinking about it ever since. Well, sort of thinking about it, in the sense that it might provoke a bit of stimulating conversation over here at casa az. I mean, it’s not ALL about cats and tapas, is it?

Or is it?

You see, I did find the article interesting as it is said to be based on findings of a palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who recorded her findings on the most common regrets of the dying. And she even wrote a book about it.

Apparently the top five regrets of the dying are as follows:

  • I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
  • I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
  • I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
  • I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
  • I wish that I had let myself be happier.

And apparently by reading other people’s dying regrets we should be able to “learn from their wisdom” and save ourselves from the same fate. Well, this is where it all falls apart for me. What wisdom? And learn what exactly? I don’t like those “what if you were going to die today…?” questions because NOBODY other than people who are actually about to die today could ever properly answer them. And given that they would be going through the business of dying it’s unlikely they’d be interested in taking part in a questionnaire.

But then the Guardian article asks the following question…

What’s your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?

That seems a fair enough question. Up for it?

red meat kills!

14 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by in cancer, death & dying, diet & nutrition, food & drink, health & happiness, wtf?

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First of all, read this very silly article – supposedly Health NEWS – from the BBC:

Red meat increases death, cancer and heart risk, says study

Now I ask you… who out there with even half a brain doesn’t know that eating a balanced diet is the healthiest option? Who hasn’t heard (all their lives) that it’s best to eat red meat in moderation? Same goes for fried food, rich sauces, bacon, butter, pâté, fatty cheeses … you know, all the good stuff. And so when I read that a study of over 120,000 people over almost 30 years “suggested red meat increased the risk of death from cancer and heart problems” I clutched my head in despair. In all seriousness, there is probably more “risk of death” every time you cross the street. And, although I don’t eat much red meat myself, I still ended up with colon cancer. So go figure. I honestly don’t see how articles like these are beneficial to anyone – must’ve been an especially slow news day at the BBC.

Meanwhile, that tasty looking dish up there is a divinely decadent combination of perfectly fried eggs (with slightly runny yolks), grilled spicy chorizo Ibérico and potatoes, topped with thin slices of gorgeous jamón Ibérico. But as delicious as it is, I wouldn’t dream of eating that every day. Why? Because I’m not stupid.

I still can’t believe that after years and years of going to the Vineria San Telmo I only tried that dish for the first time during my marathon tapas tours the other day. It truly is to die for. So to speak…

slippery slope

21 Tuesday Jun 2011

Posted by in cancer, death & dying, life stuff, rants

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Okay, some days are better than others, but I have to say that most of the time these days it feels like I’m on a very slippery slope indeed.

After getting kicked out of my home of 16 years and then landing on my feet in the lovely new place I live in now, I cannot ignore this one very important fact … I CANNOT AFFORD THIS PLACE ON MY OWN.

Most of you probably know that I’ve had a flatmate over the past seven years who I like to think of as my friend, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed and fed up. Would a friend just sit on their butt and not do anything at all after I continually set them up with classes and work and projects that would help him make make a living?? Even when he is no longer paying his share of things, which puts way more stress on me. Even after I got cancer and wasn’t able to work. I mean seriously … wtf? Now I’m supposed to support this person financially when I am scrambling daily to make ends meet, and all the while frantic that the next PET scan might end up with me back on chemo – and then what??

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