Tag Archives: cancer

scanxiety!

22 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by in cancer, chemo, hope, hospitals

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It’s that time again … got a call from the hospital yesterday (while I was fretting about having to make this terrible decision) and was told my next PET scan would be on Monday at 8am. And then the scanxiety set in. I haven’t had it this bad since last year at this time. In fact it will be almost exactly a year, just one day off. Though of course I had my last PET in January.

I was nervous last time but, as I only had a couple of day’s notice, I didn’t have so much time to worry. This time it came as a surprise because I thought it wasn’t going to be until the end of July, and so now I suddenly have almost a whole week of sleepless nights ahead of me.

The other thing that makes it scarier this time is that since my last “all-clear” two very dear friends have had inoperable recurrences and have been given chemo as a last resort, and I worry that I’m next. As usual I am kicking myself for not having made all the healthy lifestyle changes I should have, as if daring the cancer to come back – how stupid was that? But of course there’s nothing I can do about that now to change Monday’s outcome.

I have so much planned for the summer now that work is finally picking up, and I so want to be able to do it all. In fact, I have a tapas tour on Monday evening. Wonder how I’ll manage to do that if I end up getting bad news. BUT… all of this is scariest in the wee hours as I lie awake and turn it all over and over again in my mind. Right now the sun is shining and there’s lots to do.

it’s a conspiracy!

31 Tuesday May 2011

Posted by in cancer, cats, holidays, hospitals, Malaga, summer, travel, trips

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At first I thought it was a simple game of “where’s Loki?” that the two boys were enjoying when I took this photo. But recent events have led me to believe that the cats – who are gods, as we all know – are conspiring against me.

I’d thought that having Jessica here at the beginning of July to look after the boys – and especially Azar – was a sign that I should plan a few days away in Málaga before the next PET scan. And if Nog could get away for the weekend this would also provide Jessica & Thomas with a nice possibility for a romantic few days at casa az, enjoying the space and the terraza…

The first problemita occurred when Manolo said he wouldn’t know if his apartment would be available until about two weeks before that weekend. But I remained hopeful that it would work out. So I planned to leave just after my next oncology appointment, the day after Jessica got back (July 6th), which would have given me a few fab days in Málaga on my own before Nog came to join me. And all the while I would know that the cats were in very good hands.

Well THEN I got a booking request for a Sevilla Tapas Tour for July 7th – for five people! – and just couldn’t turn down that kind of money. But then I thought – hey – depending on Jessica’s schedule I could go for the weekend with Nog, then he could come back the following Monday (July 11th) to look after the cats, while I stayed on to enjoy my pre-scan holiday for a few more days.

Nope. Today I got a notice in the mail saying my appointment to go over all the heart tests that I had done after the scary four-hour tachycardia incident which ended up with me wearing a holter was booked for Monday, July 11th. Well Hell!

I just wonder how he does it. Is it the ears? In any case, it seems clear to me that Azar is moving heaven and earth to make sure I don’t go away this summer, and that Loki is in cahoots…

three years ago…

04 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by in cancer, change, chemo, death & dying, fitness, health & happiness, home, hope, hospitals

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May 4th 2008 was the last day I ever felt “healthy and normal”. The next morning I woke up with excrutiating abdominal pain and the rest, as they say, is history.

Three major operations and two bouts of chemo later, I am in remission and have been since September 2009, but of course the risk of recurrence is always there. This was seriously brought home to me when my friend Gaelen was recently diagnosed with new metastasis after three cancer-free years. Around the same time another friend – my power twin Jed – got sick again and is now facing a treatment-without-cure situation. It’s made it harder for me to go along in my usual state of semi-denial, which makes for a lot of sleepless nights and general emotional upheaval. But mostly I’m okay. Because, as far as I know, I’m still okay.

Anyhow, not trying to be a downer, but anniversaries are always a bit poignant in that “will it be my last??” kind of way. As I’ve said here before, perhaps if I’d made more of an effort to do all The Right Things I’d be feeling less, well, annoyed with myself right now. Every day I wake up determined to eat broccoli and forego wine and spend two hours at the gym, and then … it’s not that I can’t be bothered, but things are never simple and I’ve had lots of stress in other areas of my life and I can’t seem to get it all together at once. As if I have all the time in the world to get it right…

One thing I’ve learned these past three years is to be less judgemental about people who can’t seem to get it together. Well, except for me. Are you very hard on yourself, or are you able to just go with the flow?

back to the gym… again!

08 Tuesday Mar 2011

Posted by in cancer, change, diet & nutrition, health & happiness

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Progress has been slow with my esguince, quite possibly because I missed the “crucial 48 hour period” during which I should have put it up and iced it constantly. Instead I not only finished a four-hour tapas tour immediately after spraining my ankle, but I didn’t get around to getting anything cold on it (in this case, a bag of frozen peas) until some time the following day. And of course I kept hobbling around on it because I’d just moved into my new place and there was so much to be done. So I was on crutches for at least two weeks afterwards, then graduated to one crutch. This was mostly because of all the cobbled streets here – I was getting around the house okay-ish without crutches but needed that extra security when out on the wobbly cobbles.

As walking on my own became easier and the pain in my ankle subsided (though it still hasn’t gone away completely) I decided last week that I would go back to the gym the following Monday. Then on Friday, whilst in a fit of organising stuff, I found my bathroom scale and, well, put it in the bathroom. But curiosity got the better of me and I weighed myself for the first time in about a month… and I almost died on the spot when it said I’d PUT ON 10 KILOS!! How was it possible? I mean okay, I was feeling extra flabby and gross from inactivity, but I hadn’t been eating more – though I had stopped going to the gym!  So I tested the scale later that evening by having Nog weigh himself when he got home from a class – and it showed his usual weight. I was devastated and the very next day I dragged my EXTRA FAT butt to the gym. Clearly this couldn’t wait until Monday. And catching glimpses of myself in The Wall Mirrors I was so upset at how EXTRA FAT I was, but was also determined to just take it a day at a time and make some serious diet changes.

Same thing Monday morning… went to the gym, did my workout and then came home to shower. After which I dared to get back on the scales thinking a weekend of careful eating might have made a kilo or so difference. And I was ten kilos less! Or rather, the same weight I’ve been for ages. I immediately called Nog over and had him weigh himself again and yep, he was his usual weight. So – phew! I can only guess that after the scale being upside down and knocked around during the move it wasn’t at its best when I first tried it out (Nog had tried it several hours later). Well, what a relief! And what the heck, got me back into my gym routine a couple of days sooner.

When I had my last appointment with my oncologist Dr Ana she gently suggested that now it seems I’ve got the worst of what I’ve been through behind me (for now) that I should probably think about losing some weight. She asked if I needed her to give me a diet, which I didn’t because I do know what to eat in order to lose weight. And I told her next time she saw me (June) I’d be 20 kilos lighter! Dr Ana just shook her head and said she’d be happy to see me at 8 kilos less.  A goal I am quite sure I can accomplish. One day at a time…

monday, monday…

22 Tuesday Feb 2011

Posted by in cancer, change, home, hospitals, life stuff, work

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A curious day yesterday as things got fixed, some loose ends were tied up, and other projects continued to grow. I realised when I got up and sat down at my desk in the living room just how perfect that set-up is as a work space, especially this time of year. In summer I’m sure I’ll often be bringing my laptop up to the terrace to enjoy working out in the sun and fresh air, at least in the mornings.

Things started well when the Movistar technician came back to fix the stuff he’d installed on Saturday, thus ending the awful saga of trying to get my service reconnected. He’s the same guy who put in my internet connection a couple of weeks ago and remembered me (and my cats) from the old place. Anyhow, at one point I mentioned complaining about Movistar on Twitter and he said – “Oh yes, they know about you!” – and explained how he was told to be careful with me and be extra nice. Ha. And later I got a private twitter message from Movistar asking if everything was okay and saying “if there’s anything else, you know where to find us”. So of course I told them about the iPhone 4 fiasco… still waiting to hear about that one.

Later in the afternoon I had to go and see my oncologist. At first I thought I’d have to go alone, but Nog had some time before his evening class and came with me. And when we were called into her office just 15 minutes after arriving it seemed like there’d be plenty of time to get through the appointment before Nog had to leave, but no…

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