For years I’ve had a love-hate relationship with IKEA, but no more. We’re going for the full-on HATE-HATE from now on. Yesterday I spent FOUR FUCKING HOURS in IKEA, deciding on some new purchases (easy part) and later figuring out where to find them (not so easy), then finding someone to help me lift the flat packs, then losing another half hour of my life waiting to arrange delivery and installation. Yes, that’s right. After my last IKEA FROM HELL experience, which ended up in IKEA HYSTERIA and a RETURN OF IKEA to fix the mess, I decided to be grown-up about it this time and just pay for everything to be put together for me. Big sigh! But hey, it would be worth it, right?

Well, no. First of all, it costs 39€ to have something assembled up to 150€. My new bed frame cost 169€ which meant it would then cost 79€ (up to 300€ of merchandise). So I added on a chest of drawers I’d bought to also be assembled and – so I thought – a chair. I mean, why not, since it was going to cost me the same anyhow. Turned out the chair got missed off the assembling order thingy. But that was just the beginning.

Guys showed up today. Not from IKEA, these are contracted delivery and assembly guys. They are polite enough but not exactly friendly. Three of them lugged the stuff up the stairs and when I asked about the chair – NO WAY. It wasn’t on their list. So I called IKEA while they were still here to see if something could be done. I mean, seriously. It’s a CHAIR. Would take them 5 minutes, would take me at least half and hour. AND I’D ALREADY PAID 79€ FOR FUCKING INSTALLATION UP TO 300€ OF MERCHANDISE. No go. The guy on the telephone “Help Line” said I would have to go back to the IKEA store I’d purchased the chair from and sort out the problem with the person who’d taken my order.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Next up… I’d seen this cute chest of drawers thingy as we were finally making our way through the self-service area to pick up the bed I’d originally gone there to purchase. And I thought – hey, I like it. There was also a big banner saying it was on special offer for IKEA FAMILY card holders, so we grabbed one of the flatpacks directly behind the display model (there was nothing else on display anywhere near this model) and piled it onto the cart.

So imagine my surprise when I ended up getting this instead… and frankly didn’t even realise the mistake until one of the team today had already assembled it. I kind of just left them to do their thing, since really, that’s what I’d paid for them to do. So it wasn’t their fault. But was it my fault? Do you honestly have to scrutinize everything you think you have purchased in good faith at IKEA just in case THEY have fucked up? Apparently so. I’d chosen the box sitting directly behind the chest of drawers on display. There was not another chest of drawers anywhere nearby. Why would I have thought this wasn’t the correct item?

And so I am semi-fucked. I have a nice new bed, all freshly-installed (for double the price since it cost 19€ more than their cheaper cut-off point). But I now also have a chest of drawers I don’t actually want, and a chair still sitting in a flatpack on the floor because IKEA forgot to include it in the assembly order.

I feel totally cheated, scammed, and dismissed.