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Category Archives: hope

hope 2022

03 Sunday Jan 2021

Posted by azahar in hope, life stuff

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hope

hope 2022

Wow, it’s been 12 years already! Way back on January 3rd 2009 I posted a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it, as a weekly Photo Challenge I was doing at the time – the theme that week was Hope. Having just finished a second stint of chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold – and hopeful – thing to do.

I have continued the “tradition of hope” since then and have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here January 3rd 2022, and will see this page in my book… and then post my hopeful wish for 2023.

hola monday!

26 Monday Oct 2020

Posted by azahar in casa azahar, coronavirus, covid, home, hope, sevilla, spain

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coronavirus, covid, friends, monday, sevilla

hola monday

I remember when I used to like Mondays because l loved my job, enjoyed my life. I always loved that “fresh new week” feeling, so full of possibilities. But now Monday is just a reminder that another week has passed without work or friends or plans. I mean I need a plan at least, in order to have some hope again.

And okay,  l do have some plans, but not any l can move forward with at the moment (so l need new plans). And l have friends, but l can’t see them, or when l do, l can’t hug them. And the financial stress situation doesn’t allow me the luxury of boredom. Anyhow, I’ve never been good at being bored. So I am in a constant state of WHAT TO DO NEXT?? without being able to do much. Other than try to come up with a plan.

Thing about making plans is that, w​hen you’re out and about in the world meeting people and doing things, other stuff often happens as a result, and inspiration or luck can be around the next corner. ​Trust me, I now know every corner of this apartment better than I ever wanted to and… nada. There’s nothing waiting around any of them.

Anyhow, I’m sure if it was Tuesday l wouldn’t be feeling like this.  😉

I just miss my old Mondays, which then reminds me how much I’m missing everything else. And learning yesterday that we’ll be in lockdown now until May… ufff.

Today was also a turning point when I learned that a friend of mine in Sevilla has Covid. Symptoms and all. It’s the first time someone I actually know has come down with the virus. Until now it’s been someone’s friend, family member or co-worker. But this is my friend. Someone I love very much. And so now it’s personal, Covid. Fuck you. And also fuck every anti-masker and idiotic herd immunity whack job, because you are why things have gone this far, and for so long. I despise you all.

How’s your Monday going?

oncology update!

19 Friday Jun 2020

Posted by azahar in cancer, coronavirus, friends, hope, hospitals, sevilla, spain, tapas, tapas bars, welcome

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coronavirus, friends, hospitals, sevilla, tapas bars

plaza espanaJust look how fucking gorgeous this is! That is the Plaza de España WITHOUT ANY TOURISTS. My goodness, what a beautiful sight. I snapped this pic while walking home from the hospital today. Finally got my oncology checkup to review all the tests I’ve had done (Feb-March). This got postponed, like most things, by the VIRUS. But today was the day. Luckily I had already been given copies of the test results from my GP so there were no big surprises.

Basically, after another colonoscopy, an upper abdomenal barium x-ray, another CT scan of my thorax and abdomen, and more blood tests, they still don’t know what THE THING is next to my stomach. But it appears to be behaving and they think they can rule out cancer. But short of cutting me open again they can’t know for sure. And they really don’t want to cut me open again. So there will be another CT scan and blood test in September to see if there have been any changes.

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lockdown day 60

12 Tuesday May 2020

Posted by azahar in casa azahar, coronavirus, home, hope, sevilla

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coronavirus, covid-19, covidiots, sevilla, sevillalockdown

So yesterday was the first day of Phase 1, part of our government’s poco á poco getting back to work sorta-kinda plan. As of May 11th certain other non-essential businesses were allowed to open (retail shops, hairdressers, etc) as well as bars/restaurants that have outdoor terraces. The ruling was that bars could use 50% capacity of the terrace, that safe distancing must be provided, and that only people who live together can sit together. WELL JUST CHECK OUT THAT PHOTO. One of many pics I saw yesterday online. WTAF.

I don’t even know what to think anymore. Although we were given the green light to go out for individual exercise (walking, running, cycling) on May 2nd, during specific hours, I continued doing my rooftop walks BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED. And although people yesterday seemed focused on that one bar in Nervión pictured above, there were actually many that had flouted the basic rules. My friend Esteban @vermuteriayosoytupadre took the photo below yesterday afternoon in the Alameda de Hércules while he was out delivering his vermouth. And he told me he had called the police on about half a dozen other places he passed.

I even saw a couple of places with my own eyes when I took out the rubbish around 2pm after my rooftop walk. One neighbourhood bar seemed to be doing things properly. Half their normal number of tables were set out with the appropriate spacing between them, staff were gloved and masked. Then I turned the corner and saw another bar with ALL its tables out, no safe spacing, even two tables had been put together to accommodate a larger group (right, they all live together?) and my heart crumpled up a bit. Why are people so bloody stupid and selfish???

Anyhow, that settles it. I’m not going anywhere until the end of the month, other than rubbish runs and very occasional quick supermarket visits. Because even doing those two things put me at risk as too many people are still not wearing masks, and they approach in the street not even half a hockey stick away (often there’s not time or space to get out of their way) so then I get home and have to not only wash my hands but also my clothes (shoes are left outside my apartment door now) and take a long hot soapy shower. Every short outing feels like I’m dodging bullets.

It both scares and angers me, because dammit, I am doing everything right. Is it frustrating being in lockdown? Sure it is. Do I miss “the old life”? More than anything. But am I going to put other people and myself at risk because I want what I want? Because let’s face it, I may also be an asymptomatic carrier. Answer: no fucking way. This is how we’ll die. Not with a bang but a complainy snivelling whiny bleating whimper from those who think they are privileged and immune.

I’m reminded of that particularly stupid line in Braveheart when Mel screams out to his followers… “They may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!”

Dude… really? How does that work?

it’s just a cold, right?

02 Thursday Apr 2020

Posted by azahar in coronavirus, health & happiness, home, hope

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casa azahar, coronavirus, covid-19, health, home

Exactly three weeks ago today I woke up to birdsong in the lovely guesthouse next to Bodegas Bentomiz. I also woke up with a killer sore throat that felt like I was swallowing shards of glass. Another cold? Or was it that virus we’d been hearing about? This was two days before the national lockdown so most of us still had little idea how serious the situation actually was. Anyhow, since then this “cold” has persisited, and has been having quite the journey, visiting various parts of my body. The sore throat morphed into a very sneezy sinus thing with blocked ears and tinnitus, loss of sense of smell and taste, back to the throat, then a cough (not a dry one!) with slight tightness in the chest, then whatever. I can’t remember all the pitstops it’s made. Anyhow… IT’S STILL WITH ME.

But this morning was the first time I worried because the Throat is back (really ouch!) this time with a very distinct heavy feeling lower down, just below the clavicle, and at this moment I’m not sure if the chest tightness I’m feeling is due to illness or anxiety. Still no fever though so fingers crossed.

Because I always have sinus issues going on it’s not that uncommon for a cold to take root like this and take forever to go away, but this usually happens mid-winter not spring. Meanwhile I’m keeping my hands away from my face as much as possible (seriously, not easy!) and washing the hands way more with each passing day. I’ve also stopped going to the supermarket, with my only outings a quick five minute rubbish dump every 5 days or so. And yet this damn thing persists and keeps upping its game. I’m not kidding guys, if more than a day or so goes by without a post on this silly blog of mine, please get in touch, just in case.

Stay home. Stay safe.

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