Category Archives: hope

strong thoughts

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

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That’s what Pat would say to me… she’d say “strong thoughts”. And I would feel comforted. One of Pat’s avatars – the black-eyed susan.

The black-eyed susans in my avatar represent two things: every-day beauty in spite of adversity, and sheer persistence. At home I have a 4×12 foot border of black-eyed susans around my front patio. Those flowers are the offshoots of a single 4-inch pot I found wilting on the reduced-for-clearance rack at the garden center in 1998. Now even the daylilies have to argue with them for water, sun and space. The black-eyed susans never lose and never quit; they are a simple, beautiful symbol of what my life with cancer survivorship has become: life out loud, no matter what the circumstances or adversities.

This morning I’m going for my umpteenth PET scan (I can’t be bothered counting them right now). But basically I’ve been having them every six months since May 2008. Since September 2009 I have been NED (no evidence of disease). But everytime I go for a PET scan I am terrified. I mean, this time last year Pat never thought it was going to be her last September. With stage IV cancer you just never know what’s going to happen next.

So in a few hours I’m going to find out whether I get yet another “stay of execution” or if I have to start thinking about chemo and other awful possibilities. Been having quite a lot of abdominal pain of late, so of course I’m scared this means the cancer has come back. Scared out of my wits, actually.

Wish me luck!

keeping azar company

06 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cancer, cats, health & happiness, home, hope

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As much as possible I try not to leave Azar on his own, but sometimes both Peter and I have to be out and so I put him in my room to keep the other two from pestering him. He seems to like being under things a lot, like my bed or the tv table, and so when I see him looking restless I help him down from the sofa or bed so he can go where he wants. This morning I found Loki keeping Azar company under the table and it really made me smile.

In other news… just got a call from the hospital and my PET scan will be next Monday at 11.15 (!!!). Wow, that was fast. Scanxiety is already setting in…

between cancer and cats…

05 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cancer, cats, friends, home, hope, hospitals

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. . . and cats with cancer, it’s been quite an exhausting week.

Since Azar’s tumour explosion last Friday he seems to be slowly on the mend, though he gets “moments” when I can see he is in distress and probably in serious pain, and I don’t know what to do other than stroke him and talk a mile a minute in my softest lovey-dovey voice… he really does like to hear me talk. Anyhow, he and I are just taking things one day at a time (as if there were any other way).

You may recall that last Friday was, along with the exploding tumour incident, also the day for my monthly chemo port cleaning, which I almost put off until today (when I had an oncology appointment) so I didn’t have to make two hospital taxi trips in one week. But I decided not to leave things to chance (would be ironic for me to die of a blood clot after all this) and did a record there-and-back-again in less than an hour, basically taking taxis from door-to-door, so I wouldn’t have to leave Azar for long. I usually walk up to the main road and save myself a couple of euros in each direction. But I digress…

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azar waited for me!

29 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by in 20th anniversary, animals & pets, cats, hope

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I wouldn’t say he was pleased about me “abandonating!” him for a whole 34 hours, but he seemed very pleased when he knew I was home again. And me? I was over the moon. Thing is, I know this cat is clever enough to keep himself fed and watered because I know he really wants to live. I just had to trust that he’d wait for me. And he did.

Córdoba was wonderful, the whole experience was so full of STUFF that it’s going to take days to process it all and get photos edited and articles written. But for now I am happily sitting here at home with this gorgeous darling next to me on the sofa. Peter is out doing a tapas tour. I knew I couldn’t come back from Córdoba and then turn around and leave Azar again an hour later. So Peter is out there bringing in a bit of bacon and I am here answering a monster pile of work emails and sorting through photos. With this beautiful boy beside me. Life is good…

pat in sevilla

12 Saturday May 2012

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, sevilla, spain, tapas, travel, trips, video

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Dearest Pat,

The other day after reading your very moving post No More Room in the Bucket I kind of fell apart. Even though you had told me that you’d stopped treatment – and although I knew exactly what that meant – I guess a part of me just couldn’t accept it. It was only after reading your blog post (published on the same day I wrote here about still being NED) that it finally struck home. Especially when I read this bit…

“There is no more room in the bucket for big dreams like cross-country train trips. I feel a pang watching tv shows set in NYC, knowing that I’ll likely never visit my favorite city again. It aches to see puppies and kittens and know I’ll never own another one. I’ve never tasted foie gras, or truffles, or uni. I never got to visit the Food Network. I’ll never meet my friend Shawn in person or visit her in Seville, Spain.”

And well, I knew straight away that I had to take you out for tapas!

This video was made on the fly on Thursday with my poky pocket video cam and so my clips turned out pretty rough (one clip showing us having some grilled foie and tuna belly at La Azotea was unsalvageable, but oh well…). Luckily my friend Juan Tarquini not only offered to invite us for tapas at his fabulous Vineria San Telmo, he also very generously edited and polished all my rough cuts into something quite wonderful that I could never have done on my own. I hope it will make you smile.

Everyone really enjoyed meeting you and plying you with fabulous food and drink. It was actually quite an amazing day and I know you touched a lot of hearts here during your brief visit in Sevilla. You will always live in mine.

te quiero Amiga,
Shawn xx

For those of you who don’t already know, I met Pat Steer on the Colon Club forum just after being diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, when all this was new to me and I was scared and looking for helpful information. Pat had been diagnosed four years before me. She became my sister, my friend, my hero. I love her with all my heart.