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Tag Archives: cancer

hope 2019

03 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by azahar in cancer, health & happiness, hope, life stuff

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

cancer, health, hope

Continuing the “tradition of hope” that began back in 2009 with my first ever Photohunt entry on January 3rd. The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my battered old daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. Having just finished a second stint of chemo a few months previously this felt like a very bold – and hopeful – thing to do.

Anyhow, since then I have posted a similar photo on this date each year. So, as always, here’s hoping that I will still be here January 3rd 2019, and will see this page in my book… and smile just like I did this morning.

self help

19 Tuesday Dec 2017

Posted by azahar in cancer, health & happiness, hospitals

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

cancer, doctors, health, hospitals, massage

So remember my recent “lost Saturday” spent at Emergency due to scary lower abdominal pain? The doctor decided that it was probably “something muscular” and not cancer-related, so I was sent home, still in pain and none the wiser. But during a subsequent email conversation with the amazing Kate (aka Sledpress), she also told me it sounded like a muscular problem that may (or may not) be related to the excrutiating shoulder and arm pain I’d also been experiencing. In fact, both of those started around the same time and just seemed to be getting worse. I didn’t mention the shoulder/arm pain to the emergency doc because, although it hurt like fuckity, it wasn’t in a “scary” location, and I didn’t think they were related.

Anyhoodle, time went on, the pain kept on, nothing was changing… until I went to Málaga! Since Kate had me convinced at this point that the abdominal pain was muscular I started looking for triggers, daily repetitive movements that might be contributing to my discomfort. Then, as if by a miracle, after two days in Málaga my belly pain was easily halved. What? I couldn’t believe it, and I also had no idea why. But it became clear after I got home and went to shower. You see, the new Casa Azahar has a lovely walk-in shower with beautiful tiles. I love it. But there is no bathtub. Meanwhile, at the Málaga apartment there is a bathtub/shower. Difference? Well, at a risk of TMI, I realised that having a bathtub provides a handy footrest when *ahem* trying to reach certain body parts. Just having a flat shower floor requires a different sort of twisting and bending and… BINGO. I found the source of the problem. Or at least so it would seem. I think it will take awhile for the pain to disappear completely, but it’s amazing how much better it got just after two days of NOT DOING THAT (repetitive stress movement). And as soon as I got home I bought myself a plastic shower stool, so I hope that will help with a full recovery.

Meanwhile, Christmas came early while I was away, and I received these two mysterious looking items from Kate. Luckily you can look these things up online and there are even videos to show you how to use them. Because honestly, would you have the slightest idea? And once again, after just two days of using that coat rack looking thingy up there (actually called the Theracane) my shoulder/arm pain has been much reduced. Like whaaat?? For almost two months it’s been frozen solid in PAIN and sleeping was almost impossible. Now I can feel it getting a bit better every day. Incredible.

Of course I need to keep the treatment up, and start doing more preventative self-massage stuff. For example, that little 4-way knobbly thing up there is perfect for when I’m sitting at my desk to release pressure build up in my lower back (well, along with regularly getting up and moving around, natch). It’s been two years since Kate sent me the Trigger Point Therapy Workbook, and I haven’t used it nearly enough. But that stops now.

So the lesson here girls and boys is that we really should be more proactive when it comes to our own health care. Because who knows our bodies better than we do? Both the emergency doctor, and later my GP, just prescribed some scary pain meds (possible side effects: anaphylactic shock!!), which I decided not to take. Because I thought the pain was there for a reason I still hadn’t understood, so I didn’t want to just numb it. I wanted to know why it was there.

Of course both doctors and medical treatments have their place. I wouldn’t be here today if not for the top surgeons who saved my life, and the others who made sure I got the best cancer treatment (almost) ten years ago. And many chronic illnesses are often best treated with drug therapy. But this time I am glad I didn’t go with the simple painkiller option.

Also, I’m not criticising doctors who take the “take two aspirin and call me in the morning” route, because they are so overworked – I’m told that GPs here are only allowed about 4 minutes per patient to stay on schedule, and hopefully they are good enough diagnosticians to point you to the right specialist if you need one. I also agreed with my Emergency doctor that she had done her job (no emergency here, let’s move on). Which then left it up to me to figure out what was going on. And thanks to Kate, and a quick trip to Málaga, it seems things are now getting better.

 

tenía cáncer

23 Tuesday May 2017

Posted by azahar in cancer, change, health & happiness, hope

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Tags

cancer, graffiti, hope

Five years ago I wrote a blog post about having seen this graffiti four years previously on a wall near the train station in Jerez. Something had moved me to take a photo of it. I think it was the heart under the sad message “I have cancer” that made it so poignant. Then a couple of days later I suddenly doubled over in pain and the rest, as they say, is history. Something I obviously hope will remain history.

I don’t know what made me think of this graffiti when I was back in Jerez for feria last week, but on the way back to the station I decided to have a look for it…. and there it was! Well, sort of. I thought that because I hadn’t noticed it again in over nine years that it had probably been painted over. And it turns out it had been, but not by another layer of graffiti as I had suspected. Someone just blanked it out with white paint.

I have to admit that at first this kind of gave me the shivers, especially as you can still see a ghost of the message showing through. I’ve often wondered if the person who created the original had actually had cancer, or if someone they loved did, or… well, there are many possible scenarios. Likewise now I am wondering why the graffiti was painted over. Did the artist (or their loved one) die? Or did they get better and this was a way of wiping out this spectre of their past? Or was it simply that the bar next door just didn’t like it being there?

Anyhow, I much prefer this modified version I made of it four years ago. It was a bold statement then as I still hadn’t reached “five year club” status. Though I think that no matter how many years go by there is always a “for now” lurking there when I think “I don’t have cancer”, because really, how do I know? Only the next PET scan can say for sure. Perhaps better to just think “I had cancer” (tenía cáncer) and keep hoping for the best while continuing to carpe that diem.

lee buckley

22 Saturday Apr 2017

Posted by azahar in cancer, friends, hope, life stuff, love

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

cancer, death, friends, hope, life, love

For ages this was the only image I ever had of Lee, from her Facebook page… and I came to think of her as this sassy Raggedy Ann chica. Then at long last I had the chance to meet her in person when I was in Madrid last January. She was still quite weak from cancer treatment, but was up for going out to have lunch, and we spent a lovely afternoon together.

Lee said she thought of me as her “cancer sister” because reading about my various struggles with cancer on my blog helped her when she was diagnosed. We could compare notes, as it were, and although our situations were very different, Lee felt like I would at least “get” what she was talking about. And yes, I think I did. I also got to enjoy chat sessions with a bright and funny woman, who loved cats as much as I do. I was also thrilled to meet her beautiful boy Tony during that last visit.

Anyhow, this morning I was out at that gastronomy event by the river and was randomly going through messages while enjoying a beer in the sun. Then I saw a message request on FB from someone I didn’t know. I clicked on it, and it was Lee’s dear friend Chris, telling me as delicately as possible that Lee had passed away a few days ago. And since then I haven’t known what to feel. Because the feelings are all so mixed up, the happy and sad ones, the scary and hopeful ones. And the worst one of all, the one I can’t yet accept – that I won’t ever be able to talk to Lee again. So for now, that’s all I can say. Except… be sure to hug someone you love today, and let them know how much they mean to you, how much you love them.  xx

Lee and I enjoying a fabulous lunch at Tandem in Madrid

the window

22 Wednesday Feb 2017

Posted by azahar in cancer, hospitals, sevilla

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Tags

cancer, health, home, hospitals

windowIt’s not easy to find beauty in an oncology waiting room, but I have always loved these ripply floor to ceiling windows. This visit wasn’t as scary as other times, since I already knew the results of the last PET scan, so it was mostly to check new blood work and arrange the next scan.

I have such mixed feelings whenever I go to the hospital. Part of me hates it, another part feels so grateful because they saved my life, and yet another part just hopes I will never ever need to sit in the other section of the oncology waiting room, waiting for treatment. This time I got to walk home and enjoy every breath.

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