Tag Archives: hope

sunday song – pat in sevilla

17 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, sevilla, tapas, tapas bars, tapas tours, video

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Not exactly a song this Sunday, though we do have music in this video thanks to my fabulous friend Juan Tarquini (who put the whole thing together for me). Four years ago today my dear friend Pat Steer died. I met her on a cancer forum back in 2008 after we’d both been diagnosed with stage 4 variations of colon/rectal/liver, etc. And she became not just a friend but my sister and my hero, the no-nonsense voice of reason, the one I knew would never bullshit me, the one who loved me too.

Just before Pat died she expressed sadness in her final blog post about (amongst other things) not having ever been able to come on one of my tapas tours, so I obliged by going all around town to some of my favourite places and (badly) filming a typical tapeo with her included.

Juan did his best with the mess of clips I left with him, and Pat said it took her at least four times to get through it, because she kept breaking down in tears. But finally she watched it all and loved it. And I still love her and always will. Four years ago today I lost her, and I still miss her so very much. Strong thoughts, my darling. xx

hope 2017

03 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by in cancer, friends, hope, life stuff

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hope 2017

Continuing with the “tradition of hope” that began back on January 3rd 2009 when I posted my first ever Photohunt entry. The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. I had finished a second stint on chemo just a few months previously and hoping felt like a very bold thing to do. Since then I have posted a similar photo on this date and – as ever – I hope with all my heart that I’ll be here to turn the page and see this next year.

Since I joined the “5 Year Club” marking five cancer-free years I am now down to one PET scan a year (instead of every 6 months) but I still feel just as tentative writing this as I always have. So I hope to see you back here for Hope 2018.

scanxiety is what it is

21 Wednesday Oct 2015

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness, home, hope, hospitals

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scanxiety

I came across this the other day whilst thinking about scanxiety, and at first I thought, hey yeah, that’s cool. But then I thought, hey wait a minute.

I agree with the bit that talks about the things that cause our anxiety have already happened (so saying not to worry about things that will never happen obviously does not work here). And I agree with the part that says it’s about remembering. Because it did happen to me. Again and then again. So you know, why wouldn’t it happen yet again?

Which brings me to the part I disagree with “it’s not so much about worrying.” Sorry, for me it’s TOTALLY about worrying. And fretting, and second-guessing, and hoping, and regretting, and even panicking. Hey, it happened before, it can happen again. Why is that so hard to understand? And all those well meaning people who say “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine”… I kind of wish they wouldn’t say that. I know it’s not meant as such but it feels a bit like being given the brush off. That I am worrying about nothing. Really? If your cancer came back twice would you honestly and truly believe it would never come back again? That there is nothing to worry about? Think again.

So what’s the best thing to say to someone terrified about the possible outcome of yet another PET scan? Well, how about whatever is real for you? That you have no idea what I’m going through but you are hoping for the best. That you will get on the next plane if it all goes tits up. That you’ve been through this yourself and it’s totally shit and you’ll be waiting for me on the other side of the results. And even that you care a lot but simply don’t know what to say – that’s all totally okay and also totally understandable.

But please don’t tell me not to worry. Or that of course I will be okay. Though in fact, it turns out I am okay this time, at least for now. Yesterday’s PET scan was ALL CLEAR. And I’m still processing this. It will take a few days before I allow myself to feel all that happy relief. Or rather, I will dole it out bit by bit… once you have almost died you learn to savour things, so this happy joy of once again dodging a cancer bullet should keep me going until at least Christmas. After that, it will be life as usual again. Or at least as usual as it ever is for cancer survivors. Hey, thanks for listening. xx

it’s gone

12 Thursday Feb 2015

Posted by in cancer, chemo, home, hope, hospitals

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prep room

The prep-room at the hospital. My appointment was at 3.00 today and l arrived right on time, expecting to wait at least an hour before my name was called. Five minutes later l was undressing in the prep-room and waiting for the nurse to stick a shunt in my hand (just in case). Turns out all the prep (blood test, no eating, NO WATER for 8 hours) was just in case that happily wasn’t necessary. There was some serious stabby pain when the local anaesthetic was jabbed into my chest, but other than that it was a breeze. The whole procedure took about seven minutes.

My only regret was that I didn’t get a photo of my ex-port lying in the pan. After all, we’d lived together for almost six years. In fact, I asked after I’d got dressed again and the nurse said “oooh, you should have asked straight away, we’ve thrown it into the bin now”. Apparently they didn’t think this was a weird request. In fact, I’d had a couple of other questions for them, prefacing with “I hope you don’t mind…” and they were lovely. The surgeon said there were no silly questions and that it was important that I felt at ease. ALL women on this team today. Not to say that men can’t be understanding, but when you’re yanking something out from between someone’s breasts I’m guessing there’s just a bit more empathy there with women.

First thing I did after I got out of there was drink two huge glasses of water. And this evening I’m just chillin’ at home with the cats and feeling so glad to have this over and done with. Until October. Turns out I only get a 6 month hospital break this time after all (the 6-month PET would’ve been in March) but if all goes well in October then I will get an entire year off from hospital visits. Wow. Seriously wow.

hope 2016

03 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in cancer, change, chemo, hope

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hope_2016

Continuing the “tradition of hope” started back on January 3rd 2009 when I posted my first ever Photohunt entry. The theme that week was “hope” and I put up a photo of my daybook turned to January 3rd 2010 with the words “STILL HERE!” written on it. I had finished a second stint on chemo just a few months previously and hoping felt like a very bold thing to do. Since then I have posted a similar photo on this date and – as always – hope with all my heart that I’ll be here to turn the page and see this next year.

This year is especially meaningful because in October I joined the “5 Year Club” marking five cancer-free years. But I know better than to assume anything and I feel just as tentative writing this as ever. But hey, it’s good to have hope.