Category Archives: cancer

another hernia?

25 Thursday Oct 2012

Posted by in cancer, health & happiness

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Or the same one I had before? Or is it maybe a new one that’s popped up (and popped out) since my last emergency op just over a year ago? What I do know is that there’s a lot of discomfort – I wouldn’t exactly call it pain – in the area to the right of my belly button. I’m not sure if this is something that started a few months ago, or if it’s always been there. Well, “always” since the first ops. I think I’ve become so used to a certain level of pain or discomfort along the scar lines criss-crossing my abdomen that unless it becomes PAIN I don’t do anything about it. Except that yesterday I happened to glance in the mirror before getting into the shower (something I usually try to avoid) and saw that my belly button was doing a serious “outy”. I gingerly pressed on the bulge and it felt all squidgy, as if there was liquid inside, which immediately made me think of the liquid build-up around Azar’s tumour that eventually burst, so I was suddenly very nervous.

Luckily I had an English class with my student/friend/neighbour/GP Agustín last night. Our classes don’t usually start with me hiking up my shirt, but I have to admit it was a relief not to have to rush to the hospital. Agustín thinks it’s a hernia, and said the only real solution would be surgery. Last time (three years ago) they just sliced open the area and drained the surrounding liquid, which is why I’m wondering if this is the same hernia. In any case, Agustín is going to refer me to a surgeon to get an opinion on what I should do. Since this has been going on for ages, and the last PET scan was clear, this doesn’t seem to be cancer-related. But it would sure be a bugger to have to have yet another operation. Stay tuned…

the return of sara & steve

08 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by in cancer, friends, restaurants, sevilla, tapas

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And this time they brought Sheila and Greg (Sara’s parents)!

Last time I saw Sara & Steve was three years ago, though they’ve both been coming to Sevilla for ages and I’m the one who got them started doing that. You may remember when Sara and Sheila (both cancer survivors) did a London Race For Life and Sara wore this fabulous sign during the race. Just to give you an idea of how fabulous they both are.

Anyhow, the gang got in this evening around 9.30 and I was at their holiday apartment to meet them, which turned out to be in the same building of my first home in Sevilla! Talk about a walk down memory lane (actually it was up three flights of stairs). And then we went out for tapas (it was a treat not to be working while out for tapas – I actually got to just eat, drink and relax). So it was a lovely evening and we’ll be seeing each other during the week as they are here until Saturday. Now I must hit the hay… a busy busy week. But it’s nice thinking of my friends just a few minutes away in my old house.

a little black cat called happenstance

22 Saturday Sep 2012

Posted by in animals & pets, cancer, cats, death & dying, home, life stuff

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This photo was taken shortly after bringing Azar home, in September 1995. He was five months old. And even though he only had the proper use of three legs, he could still use his front left bendy paw to hook onto things and I called him my little monkey. Over the years he became the cat of a thousand names as I found more and more terms of endearment for him. But his real name was Azar, chosen because of what it meant (luck, chance or happenstance), which was how we found each other, and also because it sounded almost the same as my favourite flower, azahar (orange blossom), which later on became my internet nickname. I liked how the two words played together.

Right from the beginning I knew Azar was something special, even though he didn’t actually allow me to touch him for the first 2-3 months. Frankly, after snatching him from the street in a cardboard box, and since his only previous contact with humans was that they wanted to kill him, that was understandable. So it was endearing how he let Sunny be his “big brother” and I loved watching them snuggle up together. But you know, after awhile I was feeling a bit left out and so one fine day I chased this little black cat all around the apartment, finally snatched him up in my arms and brought him over to my bed where I commenced to give him one heck of a vigorous full body massage. And I’ll be damned, the little guy LOVED it. This became known as snibbling, though I still have no idea where I came up with that name.

It’s now been about a week and a half since Azar died … I thought getting away for a few days might help me feel the loss of him a bit less terribly, but it turns out that I’m going to miss that beautiful boy no matter where I go. The thing is, I’d been trying to prepare myself for this ever since the tumour was diagnosed last April, knowing it was only a matter of time, but there was no way. Because everytime I thought of not having Azar in my life, doing all the adorable things he always did, just by being himself, I knew I could never ever deal with it. With not having him here with me.

I remember thinking how hard it would be when he was gone because of how much I love him. But it turns out that I also miss how much he loved me! I have never been loved so fiercely and trusted so completely in my life, and don’t expect to ever experience that again.

Another thing, among so many things, is that Azar always brought out the best in me. I honestly liked who I was when I was with him, and those of you who know me well know that I have a hard time liking myself. But I truly am a better person for having known Azar and having lived with him for all those years. No matter what happened I never lost my patience with him (losing my temper with him wasn’t even an option!). I just loved him so much, you see. I don’t know how he came to live inside my heart so much that I couldn’t imagine ever living without him – that just happened. Happenstance. And I still don’t know how to live without him. He is everywhere I look, but then he isn’t there. And the longing to see him and hold him again just tears me up inside.

To honour his memory I want to try and be the same person I was with him, with other people. I just hope I’m up for the job, because it was so easy to be my best with Azar. Never found it to be the same with most people…

strong thoughts

10 Monday Sep 2012

Posted by in cancer, friends, health & happiness, hope, hospitals

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That’s what Pat would say to me… she’d say “strong thoughts”. And I would feel comforted. One of Pat’s avatars – the black-eyed susan.

The black-eyed susans in my avatar represent two things: every-day beauty in spite of adversity, and sheer persistence. At home I have a 4×12 foot border of black-eyed susans around my front patio. Those flowers are the offshoots of a single 4-inch pot I found wilting on the reduced-for-clearance rack at the garden center in 1998. Now even the daylilies have to argue with them for water, sun and space. The black-eyed susans never lose and never quit; they are a simple, beautiful symbol of what my life with cancer survivorship has become: life out loud, no matter what the circumstances or adversities.

This morning I’m going for my umpteenth PET scan (I can’t be bothered counting them right now). But basically I’ve been having them every six months since May 2008. Since September 2009 I have been NED (no evidence of disease). But everytime I go for a PET scan I am terrified. I mean, this time last year Pat never thought it was going to be her last September. With stage IV cancer you just never know what’s going to happen next.

So in a few hours I’m going to find out whether I get yet another “stay of execution” or if I have to start thinking about chemo and other awful possibilities. Been having quite a lot of abdominal pain of late, so of course I’m scared this means the cancer has come back. Scared out of my wits, actually.

Wish me luck!